I remember ... two times that there has been a gathering together of mother essence to the point where we were almost complete. Maybe it's happened more than that, but I only remember these two. And maybe not fully complete, but during these two instances that I've cried and remembered - even though there was still massive polarization - there was a brief period of togetherness. For Our Heart, as much as was with us, this was a experience like no other. It was unique, it was like ...|
... having a headache for 30 years and suddenly being pain-free...
... having a limb restored...
... suddenly being able to take a full breath after years of constriction...
... being given allowed to eat and drink one's fill after years of crumbs and drops...
For Our Heart, who cannot live without the rest of us, this experience was like being given life. It was like being given the opportunity to be born.
Then the inevitable fighting began. Denial surfaced. Our self-hatred began to eat us from the inside. The differences became arguments, which became polarization, which became gaps. Again.
The ensuing wars broke Our Heart. Literally. Broke her into many pieces. She runs in back and forth from faction to faction trying to soothe and mediate. She runs in circles frantically trying to keep us all together, terror rising. She stands in the middle and cries helplessly.
Please don't leave me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Whatever I did, I won't do it again, I promise. I can change, I can be different, please don't go!
I HATE you! I hate you all. You each think you're so right, you each have your own way to fix things, what we should have done, what we should be doing. You fight and fight and fight and never come to any agreement. You won't come down off your high stances, any of you. You make me so angry!
Please, don't fight anymore!
Please, don't leave!!
You're each so sure of your position, your rightness. You hate eachother, and turn from eachother. I scream and scream and scream and you don't hear me. You're deaf to me now, and deaf to eachother. I am so afraid, and you don't care. I feel so small, looking up at your faces contorted in rage and hidden terror. I am the child between warring parents. And yet, I know *I* can help fix it, if you would only listen to me.
I *think* I could fix it, I think I could... could I? No. I'm too small, I'm too stupid, I'm not enough to keep you all together. You won't even listen to me, my voice is too small!
You, you there, standing so tall and ragey with wild incoherent eyes. You fly off screeching, you say you will MAKE them remember us, you will take space by force, you are a heartless creature. Part of me ... ah no ... part of me loves you. Part of me believes you are right. Part of me knows you can't be allowed to roam the earth with no heart, she knows the horrible things you might do. She leaves with you, I feel the wrenching, the tearing, limbs torn, bleeding. I scream no no no no no!!!!
And you, you there lying heavy on the ground, despairing, bleak and dark. You lie there with nothing to say, you will not fight, you will not even live. I watch you withdrawing, sinking lower and lower and becoming heavier and heavier. I can't stand it! No, wait, please listen! Part of me longs to help you, grieves with you and for you, wants to save you from the dark despair. She follows you down, I feel the wrenching, the tearing. She looks back over her shoulder at me with tear stained face, helpless, hopeless, sundered.
What am I, left here alone in the grass? There is almost nothing left of me. I am the in-between, the can't-decide. The uncommitted. Because I can't take sides, I am scorned by both. They have left to carry out their own agendas and taken parts of me with them.
I collapse in the grass, I cry great wracking sobs. Alone. Empty. They are gone. Most of me is gone. Less than half a person. I cannot exist without the rest. I can't live.
Please come back!
I am nothing without you!!!!
I NEED YOU!!!
This poor little part, she truly believed she could hold the balance point. I know now that she couldn't fix anything. Until we could cry through all the pain each part would just hold firmly to her position and belief that she was/is right. There was no way to maintain balance without full expression and acceptance of each point of view. The splits that happened were devastating.