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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation
|This is a part of Aboveground Sister. As I cried her memories, I realized she actually fragmented off from MotherBody before coming to Earth. She didn't choose to leave the parent essence the way some other A.S. essence did. This part was basically blown away, blasted by Spirit's hatred in the void.|
Can you see me? Can you hear me? LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN!!!!!!!!!
My terror of invisibility screams in my face, threatening me with
nothingness, emptiness, NO-being
If you don't see me, I will become nothing, nobody.
If you don't hear me, I am nothing, invisible, garbage.
This is where I have been at my core, imprinted for so long with nothingness that ... I am sure... I am CERTAIN ... nothingness is my fate.
I have only been putting off the inevitable, fighting against my inevitable invisibility. Someday, sometime, I will be going back to the garbage pit, the place where useless, forgotten, never-seen nothingness goes. I am garbage.
Somewhere, sometime, the darkHatred hit me, split me, SPIT on me. I shattered. I knew he hated me, but some parts of me shattered off and fell into space, clutched around the only solid thing they had... his Hatred. Falling and falling ... the terror was so enormous, there are no words BIG enough. Can't breathe!
I didn't think anything could be worse than nothingness. But I was wrong. This was worse than being garbage. This terror, was much worse.
And it got even worse. Because when I stopped falling (how? when?) and began to be alive again, began to wake up, the first things I knew were -
ALONE and severed ... (from who? ... what?)
FILLED with darkness ... (from who? ... what?)
The first question, who am I? was answered by the imprinting which said... NOTHING. GARBAGE. Then the darkHatred stirred and I thought, THAT must be who I am... what I am. I looked inside, to see my self... and saw a cold burning nuclear furnace, acid dripping from bones, a putrid, foul dangerous disease waiting to be born, waiting to consume all life. I shut the lid and buried the box and closed the door and locked the house ... and and and
I knew ... I feared... I have only two choices... so says my imprinting.
I am NOTHING, or I am EVIL.
I tried to shun the evil, and go back to being nothing, but ... I CAN'T DO IT. I can't I can't I can't!!!!!
The very thought of it makes me choke and gasp and can't breathe, can't breathe CAN'T BREATHE!!!
Someday, sometime, I will be going back to the garbage pit, the place where useless, forgotten, never-seen nothingness goes. I am garbage. So says my imprinting.
But until that day... I FIGHT!!! I shout and gyrate and MAKE you hear me, see me, acknowledge me! I WILL NOT BE INVISIBLE. Sometimes I embrace the evil and play it out in great dramatic ways. If I AM evil, then I will show you how gloriously beautiful and truly evil I can be. I will make an art of being evil. I will be the best and most powerful evil there is!
And you will hate me and fear me. Some of you will love me and worship me. But most of you will spit on me and hate me. I don't care. At least I won't be invisible.