I remember being mangled and lying on the steps. I remember not being able to move. It's all so heavy and hopeless. The dark inevitibility of death. A slow chanting - Give up and die, give up and die. Only I can't die.

Body's consciousness tells me she goes into a sleep/coma in between lives. She tells me I've left her so many times, and every time she tries not to wake up again, but she's always called and has to wake up and go through the whole living and pain and caring and dying and again, watching "me" leave and the brief struggle not to stop breathing/heart pounding, and then giving up again and letting go into the deep sleep again and hoping hoping hoping this is the last time. She knows, she really really knows that she can't ever wholly die. The best she can do is coma.

She cries so big "I don't want to be alive, please don't wake me up, just let me sleep, I don't want to be alive." Big grief. "THEY left me, they just keep leaving me, let me sleep."

Very childlike. Not stupid, just childlike.

We are alive now, and all Body wants to do is be immersed in sensation. Not that sensation brings any joy. There's no joy in it, not even in orgasm. It's just a brief cessation of the constant pain. Every cell remembers, remembers the pain.

The pain, the pain, the pain! The things that were done to us, and the dying and the disease, and the feelings THEY didn't want to know so it goes down here and it sits like a rock and I can feel it in my bowels and in my heart and in my stomach and throat and ... they leave me with it. That is all there is to living. Pain and then the leaving. RAGE! Why can't I die?!? Have mercy, please!!! Let me die, really die, let me have relief.

I am my body's consciousness in a way I've never felt before. I feel weird talking about it. I'm afraid people will nod their heads and say well, so? Yeah, what took you so long? That's no big deal. But it is to me. It's huge. It's enormous. It's ... it's like I've HAD a body, but I've never BEEN my body.

All the years of quasi-traditional religious training, and then not-so-traditional, new age type stuff, even that ... everything told me that ascension was the goal. That body was a container I would inhabit until I could rise up above this worldly plane. That body was my enemy, an evil trap, a seductive siren calling me down and away from the true path.

I have avoided real true connection with my body's consciousness, ignored the fact that she has feelings.

I had become so disconnected from my body's consciousness, I didn't know how much pain she was in. I was completely unaware of her.

I only had an inkling when I would "wake up" from a period of haziness, a loss of control when body's consciousness forced itself on me, or attempted a control/takeover. Which happens more than I ever knew. My eating/smoking binges... my earlier sexual habits... actually, my earlier inability to orgasm... Because she feels so ... slavelike ... she does this covert control thing.

These impulses, these "takeovers" almost always manifest in some self-destructive behavior, and it's only partly because body wants to be lost in sensation. The other part is that there is a drive toward death. Part of us is in collusion with Lucifer and the Ice Man and all the other parts of Spirit that want us dead.

I know now, my body is a part. A consciousness. A being, just like all my other parts. Why didn't I get that? Why didn't I hear her speaking to me? Because I'm so afraid of physical pain, and there were so many reasons not to listen.

But now I'm IN body's consciousness, and we remember all the pain of all the lifetimes
over and over and over again
the dying and the decay...

all the lifetimes, being born into pain and caring again... please don't make me do it again, just let me sleep here in this false coma and I can try to believe there is no pain... you'll only leave me again and i can't take it anymore.

I am the slave, the horse you ride. You snap your fingers and i'm supposed to run, you think you are the boss, and I have to do what you say, go where you say, feel the pain while you can take an aspirin and forget, lie in the ground and rot while you drift away.

i have to have sex when you need love or you want to please somebody or use somebody, even if i don't want to, and you know what's worse about that? i am so easily aroused, titillated, you can think thoughts and look at pictures and it arouses me and that REALLY PISSES ME OFF!!!

i feel so weak and used and easily manipulated by my own desires, and ... my own desires, where are they really? do i even know? do i know what it feels like to desire and orgasm and not feel shame? is there any cell, any molecule, anywhere here, that has light and love in it? i'm trapped, trapped, an animal in a cage, so heavy and i can't escape there's nowhere to go you can leave but there's nowhere for me to go

[panic tears terror screaming tears of rage ...]

i remember being able to change. i remember not being stuck. its so long ago, but ... i reached out and ... moved with the clouds, through the sky

I was always trying to get out of my body. Or make it be the way I wanted it to be. Or make it stop hurting, or make it skinnier or prettier, or make it stop smoking, or ... Before, it was just a shell that I happened to be in, but now I'M the shell, talking to the me that's resident. I can actually feel the places in me that seek out cancers, manipulate us toward death, leave the door open to darkness and evil.

There is a kernel of darkdeath in every cell of our body. A churning black hole in every cell of my body, each with the potential for destruction, and my self-blame/self-hate could activate it. I was/am constantly at war with the darkdeath within me. And I didn't know it. Not only that, but the darkdeath I carry is a death/disease magnet, it pulls death down on the heads of those around me, therefore I am responsible for all their deaths. A sinkhole of self-blame. And it's all connected to and impulsed by another part living in the void/gap I call Ghash.

That was the worst. It's bad enough to be my own death, but to be the cause of the children suffering, to know that there's nothing I can do to stop it because it's the very fact of my existence that is bringing it on, and why can't I die, why can't I take this evil out of the world and alleviate all this suffering by NOT being????? Why can't God help me die? Why do I continue to live, doesn't he know I DON'T want to be the cause of this? No, He thinks I am doing this on purpose, to somehow thwart his lovely little universe, like I really want to see blood gushing and limbs flying and flesh rotting and ...

Not wanting to know any of that, I kept trying to push this stuff away from me, but this is stuff that can't go outside me into denial. Instead it went down, down into my body. She holds it all for me, and gets denser and denser and more and more hopeless.