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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation
The drums began this morning.
I woke up with such self-hatred pounding in my ears. It was like an anvil, pounding me down and down and down. Hatred, sexual hatred trying to erupt as sexual fantasies, images of capture and torture and blood and suffering. Being ground to death, slowly, in the cosmic mortar and pestle.
And then I heard another pounding, out of sync with my self-hatred, some kind of vibrational antidote to the rhythmic rut I usually fall into.
The drums,The DarkDeath. It is loosening the DarkDeath. It is TIME.
It has begun.
Da Dum ..... Da BOOM .....
I catch the wave
Slow I move with each reverberation
Vibrating the stone
Shaking loose the frozen bone
Da DUM ...... Da BOOM .....
I feel it in my marrow.
Da Dum ... Da Dum ...
Through root and branch
It quivers in my ears, my skull, my throat.
My heartbeat quickens
My blood begins to surge quicker
Crashing on my shore!
It has begun.
The DarkDeath - the dark parasite with tendrils reaching out through every cell in my body, sending invisible messages of death, death, death.
The first time I knew of it, I saw myself traveling down an imaginary path, inward, down a cavern river. The walls of the cavern were black and gooey, and I realized that beneath the goo is char, blackened, burnt, charred flesh, hardened to stone, but bleeding this black goo. It is the path to my heart. Damaged. This cavern is the path the DarkDeath took when it entered me, a furious fireball burning a hole in me that is now filled with some deadly, black, oozing liquid. I travel the black river to where the DarkDeath resides within me.
I stand on the lip of a vast circular area. In the center, is a tall glistening shaft, what looks like black crystal. Pulsing with menace. It is enormous, and I know that the part I can see is just the very tip of this iceberg. The bulk of this living darkness is buried deep, held in place, frozen within me. I walk around it, looking up at the massive blackness towering high, and try to imagine how I have lived with this all these years.
Another image, different, but similar. I approached this time from above, and looking down, I could see what appeared to be a vast underground sea of some dark boiling liquid. Noxious fumes rose from it and it bubbled and churned. Acid, I thought, but worse. Something so deadly and horrible, I couldn't imagine loosing it on the world. I couldn't imagine the force of destruction it would be. A seething nuclear furnace, looking for something to annihilate.
Another image - the creature that is more like a disease, like something out of a sci-fi movie. Something that lives within, a thousand tentacles directed by a single parasitic consciousness with one aim, death.
Mom's image - the River of Bile. She lies beneath it, nearly dead, trying to be dead. Letting all this putrid, acidic, disgusting stuff pour over her body, surrounding her where she lies frozen and unmoving at the bottom. Dead at the bottom of the River of Bile.
The core of the problem is believing that
we deserve this
we ARE this
we caused this to exist
we must hold it and keep it
must live with this seething furnace inside
burning and burning and burning
eating away at our flesh and bones
must die with it
must let it kill us
The DarkDeath is the commandment to die. I have been inside the towering black crystal. I have dipped briefly into the river of bile. The hatred! There is nothing like it. I don't know how to describe it, there are no words big enough, dark enough, powerful enough, to describe the hatred contained there. It is truly the most awful thing I have ever touched, and to know it resides within ... to feel somehow responsible for it ...
It is time, however.
It is time to let it go.
The drums have begun ...
da dum ... da DUM
Shake the frozen core!
Loosen the hold it has on us
and our hold on it.
Take it back!
Take it back!
It is not what you originally felt, Spirit. Your hatred took on some massive proportions and condensed and compressed with a powerful charge to finally become this dark and dangerous thing. We have been holding it for long enough!
I say this, not just to you, Spirit, but to ourselves as well, to myself. What I have to cry and feel and heal is all that surrounds the DarkDeath, all that I have believed and held to be true about myself, the pain, the horrible pain of knowing that you wanted me dead.
You wanted me dead. The message is there, written in black.
Take it back.
I do not deserve this.
I do not deserve to be dead.
I don't know yet, whether I deserve to live.
I can't hold this for you anymore.
And I can't separate it out, yet.
I can't tell you from me.
For so long I have believed it was mine
I have believed it was ME.
I have believed that dark furnace of destruction
Can you help me?
The drums have begun.
It is shaking and quaking.
The ground is rumbling and the air is thrumming.
My earbones feel the shifts in pressure,
all around me
waves and waves and waves.
I feel like I'm dying when I cry this horrible hatred. My self-hatred has been interlaced with yours for so long, the two locked in deep embrace, lovers in hate. I have to separate these lovers, I have to let you take back your hatred of me. I can only cry what is mine. I can only heal what is mine. And STILL it feels like dying.
Parts of me SO long to die. Parts want to die for surcease of pain at long last. But parts want to die to make you happy. Can you believe it? Do you see how I try to please you? Do you see how I have tried to die, to prove to you my ultimate lovingness, that I would obey your command... and die. Do you believe I am loving now?
No, you shamed me for trying to die. You hated my victim-ness. There was no winning with you.
There is so much pain here.
Will it be different this time? Will it finally, truly, REALLY heal?
I hear you.
I feel you there.
And the drums! The drums!!
The drums have begun.
Da Dum .... Da DUM!!!!!