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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation

Desire & Need
July 1998

Another internal war, with parts of me lined up on either side, hating and blaming and judging eachother.

I used to think of this part as RageMother, or the Dragon Mother, but that's not quite accurate. She's more than that. She's also Desire and Need and Love. In a denied state, largely. Women around me, in my family, outpicture this part for me perfectly. I feel in me where we were connected, before the blast, before we split, before the blame and hurt and judging. And then the blast came and all that followed. And from that moment and down the eons since, desire and love and need and sexuality have been severed and judged and blamed.

She says ...

she loves god
she needs to love God
she needs ... Needs... NEEDS
  needs sex and touch and love and cuddles and fire
without it she will die
she is shriveling and warping and going mad with her own need/desire
there is no other reason to be alive, except being loved and loving

Denied, she ...

-acts out sexually, often inappropriately, the more guilt/judgment or danger in the sex, the better
-gets a small measure of relief by gaining power over men and women - the power of seduction
-leaps toward any flame, regardless of any danger
-tries to control lovers, pushes on them, needs constant reassurance of love, desirability
-can never find satisfaction and always has to be searching for "in love"
-rages at any denial/pressure and refuses to listen to any suggestion that she wait and see if love is really there

And I'm coming to feel like it wouldn't matter if she waited, not now. Because in the blast, her receptors were seriously damaged. It left her in a state of constant hunger, but with mouth sealed shut, burned and welded shut. Forever unable to TAKE IN the nourishment she needs. She would run from man to man, frantically, desperately seeking love. If I let her.

It's been really hard seeing this part and letting her in to me. I'm not entirely there yet. So much of this life I've been severed from her. From desire and sexuality and even love. I have felt cold like a statue in many parts of me. Or small and fuzzy, but childlike. And I see the war now, I feel the desire/need part and I feel the other side, that resists her, that blames her.

Well, there's more than just one other side. There are many splits in me around this whole thing. But it's all mixed up and this is where I started to not be able to see DaughterHeart as daughter.

I cried the need with a capital N. I found the judgment that the need was wrong/bad/evil... And the love -- I found some parts that just weep and weep with heartbreak, sorry and sobbing, they just wanted to love, that's all, they didn't mean to bring the blast down on us.

The judgment down the years is that desire/need/love is bad in one way or another, and is to blame for the blast. And when this part is "active", whether she's present in a denied/acting-out state, or present in a trying-to-heal state, she stirs the OC imprints around the blast. In everybody. HS and FoM and Spirit and Mother and everybody, get stirred into their own OC, wherever they were then, and all the judgments surrounding that.

And the judgments are myriad. Too sexual, too intense, too needy, not loving, too loving, too greedy, insatiable, self-absorbed, obsessive, possessive, pushy, controlling... it feels to me that most of the judgments lean toward judgments of the need. The pull, the draw. The desire. It's not really a judgment on sex or sexuality. It's a judgment on the need/desire behind it, and that had to have come from God's original reaction to the Will. She called a siren call... and stirred him. His own need/love/desire may have been stirred, which he rejected. Because all of that means he is not self-contained. It's a sign of weakness. So, Need became Lucifer. Love became Heart. And Desire became FoM. I'm sure it wasn't ever so neat and tidy, but it sounds cool to say it. :))

My terror parts remember trying desperately to keep need/desire from leaping. They SAW the blast coming. They felt something not right, but need/desire wouldn't listen... she was so joyful and innocent and sure of love... So, terror is stirred, and terror's rage, that need/desire wouldn't listen.

And the resultant damage and denial, and then the acting out, and what seemed like parts of us betraying us and going to seduction, and more judgments made on that... huge parts of me absolutely could not go from man to man looking for love like need/desire wants to, and need/desire is ADAMANT that she MUST ... she must go in search, she must find love or she must die.

And so she went. Well, some parts of her went. Other parts of her were just too broken to go anywhere. Some parts of her lined up with rage and hid there, sure that the rage would be able to find love or at least a sex partner. And she felt rage was on her side anyway. Some parts of need/desire were with the Mother on Earth/DragonMother... hiding there and trying to participate... some of them had to leave her there, because the sex was too loveless.

The realization for me that need/desire's receptors were damaged was a hugely important piece of the puzzle. It helped me to understand that she'll never be able to take in love, no matter who she finds, no matter how much they actually do love us, until she cries through her pain, both of the original need/desire, and the pain of the blast ... and it's a huge onion.

Terror wants to tell her to stop! Just cry! This frantic, frenetic search will never get you what you're looking for. Even though, I know there's no way to tell her to stop. She can't be told anything. Her need is too great, and when I finally DO get her to stop and cry, the first thing she cries is usually present day -- real time current present day need. Then we get to some of the backlog... and the first layer seems to always be black despair. Once I realized that her receptors were burnt though, I got that the despair and blackness is not just from having unmet need/desire, it's also from holding the darkdeath way deep down inside. And that's where she connects to all the other parts of me holding the darkdeath ... hiding the self-hate.

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