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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation

Discernment Lost - Two Parts Remembered

A memory, from some long time ago - ok, it's two memories that I've been shifting back and forth in...

First, I'm at a party/gathering in a shallow valley ringed by grassy hills. I'm very mental, very light, very perceptive (very Spirit). The people are dancing around a big bonfire, singing and laughing and having a great time.

From where I stand partway up one hill I can see a fat little woman approach on the other side. Her face is ... full of feeling, but empty of thought. Like a very small child. Or a retarded person.

I can see she wants to join the group. She stands on the edge and watches, swaying with the music, her face full of delight and longing. She listens to the laughter of one group and she laughs with them, too loudly, and without understanding. She has no idea what the joke is, she just wants to be a part of the laughter. They turn from her.

She follows another group as they dance together and tries to move along with them, but they're too fast for her and she trips and falls. She hears laughter and looks up laughing, ready to join in the joke, but the joke is on her. The people are pointing and laughing and then they turn their backs on her.

From where I stand, first I'm enraged at her. She's so pathetic! Can't she tell they don't want her there? Doesn't she know she's making a fool of herself? Why doesn't she just leave? I almost turn away and leave the party, but I can't. I have to go get her out of there. My rage turns then on the partiers. I wish I could kill them - heartless and cruel and cold.

Then, perspective/memory shifts, and I AM the fat little woman. And it truly is like being retarded. I feel desire to dance with them. I feel my longing to be a part of the laughter. But I can't think, I have no ability to perceive.

I try and try to figure out how to be a part, but my thoughts are slow and sluggish and I can't do it right. I try to imitate their actions, the laughter, the dancing, but it's not right somehow. I've missed something essential, I don't understand and I don't know what to do. By the time I realize they are laughing at me I am overwhelmed with shame and self-loathing.

Will without spirit can be so blind, so inept.
I weep crocodile tears for my poor retarded self. For this part who has lost perception and discernment.

She tried so hard, but she never could do it right.

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