Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation: Motherhome - My Engineer Man, Part 6

5/4/02
Tried to cry this awful stuff that's coming up, but I felt so frozen!

Lots of confusion, like before... what's mine? What's his? I felt this horrible rage, sexual rage... sexual hatred. Had images flash through my head, horrible pictures.

I floundered in this weird state for a while, crying "please help me" and trying to get to the rage/hatred, thinking maybe it was my own self-hatred... maybe those pictures are what self-hatred thinks I deserve.

But it turned out to be the darkdeath.

And my E.M. was right there, standing close. When I begged him to take it, he did. But it's so enmeshed with my own stuff, he says he can't just take it. I have to help, by getting it started, by crying and shaking things up. Then the essence separates out enough so that he can draw out what is his.

I felt a shift. Not a big relief or huge difference ... more like an emptiness. And E.M. helped me fill it. He was right there with comfort, holding me while I cried.

Then I cried the weirdest imagery. It was like I had eggs inside me, all these eggs, babies that should have been born, dreams that should have come to be. All killed and smashed and never born. E.M. helped me nurture them while I cried and grieved and mourned. The babies, help me heal my babies.

5/5/02
This morning when I went inside, E.M. wasn't there. I looked for the little room where we had exchanged essence before, and the door was shut. A sign hung on the door: "Processing".

I got the feeling that the darkdeath that he took back from me - the crying of it - needed to be done away from me, and he knew it. I also got the feeling that he was having a hard time with it. It must be a really horrible thing to suddenly feel all that killing hatred, to face how awful it is and how much damage it wants to do. To own that.

I wrote him a note and left it there for him. I had to thank him for yesterday. I mean, that's an amazing and wonderful thing we did, that he helped me do! We are beginning to really heal the darkdeath.

	cyQuest searching for wholeness
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