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Healing Fragmentation - - The Journey Toward Wholeness
We were a young girl, alive with sexual energy, living in a Puritan society. We couldn't hide our sexual energy, it oozed from our every pour. We learned to manipulate men using our sexual energy but it only went so far. We got pregnant and we ran away, deep into the woods.
We were taken in by an old woman and we learned a little bit about magic and we learned also, to fear being burned alive for our magic.
Still, though, our sexual exploits were too much for the old woman and soon enough we had to move on with our children.
We were lover to Natives and trappers and sailors and we got by. We took what we had learned of magic and we built on it and became fairly powerful.
We started initiating our self in the ways of fire. We intuitively understood that if we could move all of the feelings in our body we could overcome death by fire. We practiced endlessly until we could dance in fire for several minutes at a time. We were very good at it but we still sometimes ended up with scars. We kept on. We were determined to learn to overcome death by fire.
We started teaching our children to firedance but we didn't understand anything about the emotional body and the need to fully move emotions in conjunction with moving what our bodies felt and our oldest child died from the burns. She was terrified and we didn't allow her to feal her terror. We forbid it. We demanded that she not be afraid, that she be strong enough to feel the terrible pain of the fire. She died.
We didn't allow ourselves to fully mourn her death, or to process all the feelings of guilt we had about her death. We pushed on.
We got to where we could dance in the fires for long periods of time. Our hair was burned off and we scared more and more but we lived. We were driven to push on.
We decided to initiate our remaining three children slowly. Starting with just their feet and hands, we exposed them to fire. We demanded that they endure the pain. We demanded that they feel and scream all of the pain but we didn't allow them to acknowledge their terror of us or of the fire.
We lost another child to infection and complications from the burns. And then we lost another.
We became more and more sick and deranged our self. We were horribly scarred and none of our lovers would have anything to do with us anymore. Our one remaining child ran away, probably to die alone in the woods. We also died, crazy with heartbreak and guilt, we fragmented --one fragment still carries the determination to save our children no matter what and the other is terrified of pushing our children too far and killing them with unmoved terror and rage.
With All My Love, A Memory from NR -- A part of a Beautiful/Terrible Whole.
Thank you so much for sharing this memory. It was so triggering for me, it literally started an avalanche of tears and memories of my own. It's very incomplete, but my memories are shared here: The Three of Us