searching for wholeness
When I was 10, my mother found the path of tears. I have spent the majority of my life deeply involved in emotional healing. During my teenage and early adult years I "retreived" a lot of parts through the crying of their pain and memories. I talked about these as parts of me, though at the time I had no concept of fragmentation or soul splintering. |
I believe I was working backwards, starting with the pain of this life, back through past lives, and beyond. Any time there was a painful experience that I hadn't been able to cry at the time, there was a locked memory, and usually a locked up, or forgotten, or fragmented part. I knew nothing of fragmentation, I just believed these were lost parts of myself that got locked up because of the pain.
Some of the more recent books would call this soul retrieval, and there are shamans and groups and therapists that will help people retrieve these lost aspects of themselves, but without letting them cry, I wonder how long the essence can remain... If the part is not given voice and acceptance and allowed to heal, will it eventually go into exile again?At first there was a connectedness and familiarity to the memories and lifetimes, as if I was following the thread of my own consciousness - perhaps these were parts that had broken off but stayed pretty close to me. But pretty soon I began to get memories/feelings/pain from parts that felt completely different from me, completely unfamiliar, and sometimes they were parts I knew I didn't like and didn't want to BE like. Sometimes - even more disconcerting - it seemed that I was crying pain from two completely different people who were alive at the same time.
It was necessary, during this process, to unhook my mind's need to make sense of things. Mind wanted to put these memories in linear order, in some context that would help mind understand. Sometimes that's just not possible. The more I opened to these experiences and accepted the reality of each part, the more parts came flooding in. I became more and more comfortable with my expanded self, and finally understood the idea of multidimensional existence - it actually makes more sense within this context of fragmentation.As I cried each of these parts, little by little they became incorporated into me and healed not only with me and through me, but with eachother. That's one way I feel fragmentation healing within me.
I thought this was how everybody worked. I've got a regular little Gathering going on in my head all the time, and frequently the parts are at war. My job is to give them all voice, let them all cry, bring them to a natural alignment if we can.
I assume that means I am "parental" to these fragments, though I'm still not entirely sure what "parental" means. The reality is that there are actually some fragments who are so small or damaged that they cannot do this work at all. It's up to the more parental pieces - fragments farther up on the fragmentation chain - to do the crying. And as those parts cry the pain, the parts farther down will seem to magically feel relief.
I also assume that those of us who are focused on emotional healing are somewhat far up on the fragmentation chain. I don't think you have to be the utmost topmost parental fragment to do the healing needed.
With the idea of fragmentation, of being a fragmented Being, comes the fear that we are only a lesser part of something/someone else. The fear of being "abosrbed", of losing one's Self, is a very real fear. I do believe that at some point, all fragments will be brought back together, BUT ... not "absorbed" or lost within some great uncaring Whole. The bringing together will be more like a joyous meeting of long lost family.
Identities and experiences and memories and pain will all be shared, and where there is still opposition or rage or distrust, the pain will be given voice and validated and heard. And I guess I also believe that if any fragment doesn't want to join the family group, they wouldn't be forced to.
I'm basing this belief on my inner experience of the gathering of parts within me, and how it feels to me to be a member of that family within me. It doesn't feel like any of "my" parts have lost identity. They are still who they were before they came to me, mostly. A few have sort of naturally melted together and become one, but mostly they're all still individuals. They each have their own memories and feelings and gifts. And they each contribute to my life with their gifts, now that they're more healed.
So I don't feel quite so afraid about being absorbed with some greater parental essence farther up on the fragmentation chain than me. (ok, I still feel some fear...) But mostly I assume it will be like it is in my head, that I will still be me, that it will be like going home to the warmest, most loving family reunion my broken heart can imagine.