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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation
I am speaking now as the Primary Entity, as I once was long ago. I am no longer One, but when I remember what happened, I become again the essence of One that we were then.
There was oneness in all then. There was nothing that wasn't part of the One. I had within me the seeds, if you will, of unformed potentialities, but in that state of perpetual one-ness, there was no space for these potentialities to come to be.
We had great self-love then. But we had no love of other. There was no "other" to love. There was only me. I only had awareness of self, and love for the self that we were. We were magnificent, but soon, our magnificence began to grow stale. Love perceived the possibility of a new thing: love for other. The seeds within began to stir at this, and we began to form pictures of these potentialities. We saw that we couldn't truly understand "love for other" without experiencing it, and we couldn't experience it in our present state of one-ness. To learn more of this "love for other" we would need to become more than One.
We pondered and projected our thoughts into these potentialities, measuring outcomes and weighing paths of action. We saw that splitting into completely equal parts would eventually send each part drifting off into its own realm without concern for the other. There would be sufficient self-love and creativity and All That Is within each part, and there would be no reason for the parts to come together to learn "love of other". It was possible, but the probabilities were incredibly small. We understood, you see, even then, how difficult it would be, this step from love of self to love of other. There would need to be a reason for the systems to interact, and a reason for them to draw together.
We devised that each part would be somewhat incomplete, would need something from the other in order to live and feel whole. Self-love would not be entirely possible without a sense of wholeness, therefore, the first goal of each part would be to contact the other, exchange essence in a give-and-take scenario, and regain stasis as whole entities.
We considered various means of achieving this. We determined that to split the self into two would be enough at first. Through this exchange of essence and energy, love of other would form, and desire for more love of other would cascade to the creation of other forms, the seeds of which we held within us.
Divisions began fluttering within us then, getting ready to split. These originally planned splits have continued to manifest in your world as what you call yin and yang, the energies of electricity and magnetism, emotion and thought, etc. The ways these polarizations have manifested are quite diverse. But it was not originally planned that they should remain severed or out of balance. It was not originally planned that they should, in fact, become enemies. The original plan went awry, and we have been attempting to recover balance ever since.
The first unplanned division occurred when we actually began splitting. The splitting was incredibly painful and frightening, as all birth is. But we were not prepared for the pain or the fear, as we had never attempted anything like this before. One part responded to the fear by trying to slow the process down or even stop it. One part responded to the fear by trying to push faster and take control of it, get it over with, so as not to be at the mercy of it. The splitting process was already in the form of a pressure-release cycle, much like the birthing of a child in labor, or the pulsing of an orgasm, and the energy of it gathered speed and could not be stopped. But with forces within both resisting and pushing, the balance of the energy was lost and became dangerously off kilter.
Eventually the pressure grew to the point of explosion, and our careful plan of splitting into two entities was shattered. Some of our essence went flying off into the voids of space. Some has yet to be recovered. Nevertheless, although the break wasn't clean or balanced, there were two large essences come into being as a result of the explosion that could possibly have carried out the plan, if they had remembered the plan.
Unfortunately, the trauma of birth and the essence missing from both from the explosion, meant they had little to no consciousness for a very long time, and virtually no memory of the original plan.
That was the 2nd thing that went wrong. They didn't remember the plan.
The third thing that went wrong was that what had originally been planned as a mild imbalance in energy that could be the need that drew them back together, became a greater and greater imbalance. The way the split took place caused more of the "want to slow down" essence to glom together, and the "want to speed up" essence to glom together. The fears in each caused them to blame the other for the pain they were experiencing.
This could have been got over, if they had been able to approach each other gently and with some initial exchange of essence to lessen the extreme imbalance.
We had planned that this first exchange would be a glorious discovery of mutual pleasure, a give and take like making love, where each one discovers the other has exactly what was needed and is grateful and celebratory and seeking further union.
What happened instead was, upon waking into consciousness, both parts felt alone and separated as we had never felt when we were ONE. The explosion had sent them too far apart, for one thing. And for another, it had made them forget that there even was any "other". That meant their need and feelings of incompleteness seemed helpless of remedy, hopeless of relief. If you have ever experienced feelings of starvation or extreme thirst with no relief in sight you will have an inkling of what this initial experience was like.
Separation and incompleteness triggered each into stark survival terror. We had never felt incomplete before. We had never been without wholeness. It was terrifying.
This unholy need-terror also reminded them each of their birth terror, and they responded to it according to the energetic polarizations they had split into - one tried to hold still around the fear, and wait, and became energetically more dense. The other pushed outwardly, trying to take control of the fear, seek its source, and essentially get rid of it, make it stop.
This "pushing" essence was of a less dense energy to begin with, and had more of our ability for what we would call thought. But it had little tolerance for slowness or the fear it carried, and its response to the feeling of being incomplete was to push, again, on the need, to get rid of it and stop the feeling of need.
Now, in the first splitting, we had activated our ABILITY to split our own essence. This enabled the "pushing" essence to split itself as well, by pushing outwardly it continued to split off parts of itself. It literally threw its own need and much of its own survival fear away, whenever those parts came close to conscious awareness.
Some of this discarded need and fear essence drifted closer and closer to the slower essence, which was not moving in space. This slower essence had a much denser makeup, and a much slower consciousness, but was comprised of more of what had been Our feeling nature. This essence was already holding its own birth terror, and the additional terror of finding itself in the void alone and incomplete. And now it was finding itself being hit by smaller bits of essence that were energetically more like electricity, but held the charge of terror and need that the other entity had thrown out. Some of this smaller essence was assimilated and became part of the larger being, but some was unable to meld and join because of its own resistance and the hatred that it now carried for its own parent who rejected it, for this new parent who was much too similar in fear and need to feel safe and parenting, and for itself and its need/terror charge that caused its parent to reject it. In short, it hated everything and with nowhere else to go except the void, which was intolerable, it clung to the slow essence like barnacles that stung and burnt where they touched.
Much later, these two large entities drifted near each other and did not recognize each other as ever having been One. We did not know each other. But we were instantly triggered into our layers of terror; the birth terror, in which the other was the cause and the enemy; the terror of being incomplete and alone which had not been assuaged by finding each other in loving celebration; and the subsequent terror of one rejecting feeling essence and the other receiving the rejected feeling essence. In other words, instead of the imbalances being healed, they had been made worse. And this first encounter of two strangers with all the unhealed charge of these imbalances and lack of memory of our origins or understanding of what was needed, made them meet as enemies.
To the slow essence, the quick essence was too pushy, domineering, controlling, unfeeling, heartless, uncaring, cruel, hateful, and unwilling to give her what was needed. Some of this was imprinted in her from the birth experience when she wanted to go slow and he would not. This was, of course, re-imprinted and made worse by long starvation in the void. At that time She did not have the ability to sever parts in the same way that he did. Severing was going on, but at that time it was mostly from overload and trauma. To her He appeared to have all the power and all the light and everything that she needed and the power to withhold it. She didn't understand that he had similar feelings but he had either buried them deeply or had pushed the essence out that felt that way, so that he didn't even know how much he needed or felt incomplete or blamed Her for his feelings of incompleteness. He wanted to believe he was complete and needed nothing. He was able, through the activity of severing and quick-change thoughts, to keep the terror at bay, he was almost never aware of being and feeling incomplete and had become accustomed to wearing shining armor that would hide his missing essence. He saw the slow essence as trying to hold him back, hold him down, keep him from moving forward, suffocate him, drain him dry, emasculate him by making him needy and clingy like she was, and so on. Again, much of this was imprinted during the birth experience, but neither of them remembered why they distrusted and even hated each other. Both believed that the other was capable and perhaps desirous of withholding what the other needed, which made them both conclude that the other, instead of being a helpmate, was trying to kill them and have all life for themselves.
All that has been created since that time, all the seeds that eventually came to life and fruition, reflect these massive imbalances, misunderstandings, distrusts, and needs. At the root of each being is need for Other that has never been able to blossom into love for Other, as we originally planned. Instead of seeing each other as givers of life and completers of love, we see each other in terms of who has the power, who is dominant. If you have something I need, then you have the power. And vice versa. All activity in relationships, in families, in countries and governments, even in wars, springs from this initial root-core need for Other that still sits within each being, unmet, and unfed. Belief systems to control need in some and feed need in others have grown in all communities and peoples. It is the basis for the system of the "haves" and the "have-nots" that exists everywhere on the planet. All activities are a striving to get this need met without admitting to the other that they are needed. Spiritual systems have been cleverly devised to keep people dependent on externals such as god, country, etc., and those who advocate mutual dependence and give-and-take are viewed with distrust by those who are in control and on top.
Some have even said that "lack" and "need" are illusions and do not exist, and that a truly spiritually advanced person will feel neither.
I can only speak this way for short periods because I am no longer the essence of Oneness that we once were. In order to do this I have to project myself backwards for brief periods, in order to remember, and then forwards far enough into the future to be able to verbalize these things. Healing these imbalances of energy is already beginning. The most difficult part of the healing will come for those who have been on the side of the quick energy, the yang energy that has the strength and consciousness to be able to control. They are usually the "haves", and they will not want to give up the control they have held. They know, deep down, that if they loosen control, their fears will return to them, and they will become aware of how deeply they need and are not complete in themselves.
Trusting each other to fill each other's needs is the biggest challenge we face now.
We must stop pretending that we do not need each other. We must stop the lie that we are already whole and complete in ourselves. But we also must not strive to return to the state of Oneness we once had. It cannot be done. Now that we are split, we must carry out the plan, the original dream, of coming together in mutual need and learn love for other.
We must learn to need each other. We must learn to give each other what is needed. Only then can love for other be born.
We must cease seeing the other as more powerful, as withholders of what we need. We must begin to trust each other to not withhold, but to give what we need, and be willing to give back what we have that the other needs.
Many tears will be cried through this process of giving and taking. Many old fears and angers will rise up and try to keep the separations the distrust alive. But once tears are cried, and needs are met and trust begins to grow, fears will begin to heal. We will begin to know that incompleteness does not mean death, and that standing right next to us is the essence that holds the energy we need, ready to give to us in mutual sharing. Standing right next to us! We will begin to accept our need, because it is being fulfilled and fed. Need fed will blossom into love. Love of other. Love that is real and not faked or forced or pretended to just so you can secretly get your needs met. Real love for other was our dream, and will be our future reality.