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Thoughts & Teachings

My Fault / Your Fault
Judgment, Guilt & Self-Hate

Spinning in blame, whether it's outward or inward, causes feelings to stop moving. It's a mental activity, and when it's in action, I find I can't cry the feelings, whatever they are.

Like many avoidance behaviors, these mental activities USE the actual feelings in their cause.

Outward blame uses actual blaming rage / hurt-rage. Sometimes it masks terror and other feelings, but most often it uses your real rage as the bedrock for its judgments and proclamations and assigning of fault. Then you find yourself spinning in thoughts of blame and rage and how they did ______, and s/he said __________, and so on, cataloging all the nitpicking details of how the person harmed you or wronged you. You may tell yourself "If I could only tell them how I feel, that would make it better, if they would just listen and hear me, then it would heal." Actually, the majik doesn't happen like that.

Inward blame, or guilt, uses real and true feelings of self-hate, shame, regret, and so on, to keep us spinning in a cycle of self-judgments. Again, there may be other feelings involved, but often guilt uses self-hate as the bedrock for it's judgments and proclamations against you. Then you find yourself spinning in thoughts of embarrassment, shame, self-loathing, wishing you hadn't done ______, or how you should have ________.

Since these are mental activities, they can be stopped. Mentally. Physically. Until they are stopped, the true feelings held hostage beneath the surface will never be able to rise up and cry and truly be healed. I think it's an important distinction to know that guilt and blame at this level are not feelings. In order to move guilt off our planet and out of our souls, we need to really see it for what it is. And what it is not.

It's important to know that we are fighting a war, a quiet war, but a war nonetheless. The battleground is our very soul, and our biggest, best, and truest weapon, is tears.

The enemy's goal is to keep true feelings from moving and healing. If he can keep us stuck, spinning in the mental activities of blaming ourselves or someone else, he knows he'll continue to rule here.

Should is a big word with blame.

Judgment says a thing is bad.
Judgment says I am the bad thing.
Self-hate believes the judgment and tells me ...

...I am a bad person
...I am a selfish person
...My desires are bad
...My feelings are bad
...I don't deserve to find love
...I don't deserve [insert ANY good thing here]
...I am the cause of bad things happening

Guilt threatens me with ...
  • Loss of love
  • Loss of life
  • Hellfire and damnation

I accept the blame and leave the door open for guilt to come in.
I become smaller and smaller and smaller...

When you accept blame, when you take it in as something you deserve, you let guilt steal your essence, take your space. Guilt pressurizes. Guilt pushes on us and makes us smaller and smaller. Guilt lives in the space we abdicate. Guilt manipulates, and little by little, erodes your life so that pretty soon, something OTHER than you is in charge of your life.

How to Stop?
Just looking at these things will help. It's like watching a magician from the wings, the illusion is shattered when you look and pay attention. When you feel yourself spinning in blame, whether or inward or outward, stop and notice the mental activity. Noticing it will loosen its hold on you.

Next, since your goal is to heal your emotions / Will, try to let yourself cry the feelings beneath the blame. The first time you do this it might be surprisingly easy. The next time it might not be so easy. That's because the enemy, the pattern, the guilt/blame itself, is caught off-guard the first time. But after that it becomes aware that you're trying to break its control, and it clamps down harder.

Blaming rage has been stuck spinning in blaming and acting out for so long that it knows no other way. The best way to start with stuck blaming rage is to make it non-verbal. Blaming rage, at the deep gut level, IS a true feeling, and it can be cried, but it's one of the hardest feelings to get to because it has been conditioned to go immediately to masking, which means acting out either blame on others, or guilt on one's self.

Good solid blaming rage that moves in sounds and tears is an immensely healing thing. But it needs to be allowed to really cry so that it doesn't continue to act out on others and cause more harm in the world.

You might need to use some tricks to get around the walls that suddenly appear between you and your real feelings.

Once you've cried the true feelings under the blame, then the majik happens.

You'll find new and creative ways to resolve your relationships. You may need to talk to the person about your angry/hurt feelings, but you'll be able to do it without attacking them. And if the relationship needs to be severed, you'll be able to do it without guilt or shame or doubt.

And you'll find new acceptance for yourself, faults and all. You'll be able to take up the space that belongs to you, and take your life back from the guilt that has been sitting in your rightful place.

It won't happen all at once, and it's not easy. It's a process, it's a path you walk one step at a time. But as long as you keep crying, you can't help but move forward. That's the real majik.