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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation

My Guru/Queen Mother Part

I feel the need to introduce this part... (parts of me sort of want to apologize for her, too). As if she will be unacceptable and offensive. And maybe she will, but these pages are a promise I keep to her. She needs to speak! She needs to tell her truth, give her opinions, say what she sees. She's been suppressed for so long that she's full of rage and spitfire right now. So her "truths" are all twisted with rage. She shoves things down people's throats. She was acting out on some people I love, and I feared she would alienate everyone again, so I pulled her in and made her stop. Her rage was enormous! We continue to cry that rage but for now, these pages will be her forum. This is her soapbox.

Her desire, her real desire, is to be heard. To be acknowledged. To have her wisdom acknowledged. To have her perceptions honored and acknowledged.

But there is also a desire to have her point of view be the only one. And a desire to be the one who is right, and have it be known.

Warped and twisted by pain and by being denied for so long, this would-be Guru-Queen has played hit-and-run for some time, without my conscious awareness.

Terror has long kept her from speaking. She has felt like it's a war and she's going to lose, and losing means death. When terror overtakes her, the death-fear makes her back down from everything. So she hits and runs. She dashes out and spits/hits and then runs away and hides. We remember many torturings, many deaths that this part has brought down on us with her need to speak.

She says:
I'm so afraid, I don't know how to speak without pissing people off, or hurting people, I don't know how to have my need to speak without causing trouble for myself. I'm SO angry. I want to finally be able to just say it like it is. I have straddled the fence so much, worrying too much about what people think. I don't want to coddle people's feelings anymore. We don't have the time to waste and let's just call it like it is, goddamit!

For so long I either kept my opinions/feelings to myself, or I've said things couched in fluff, or used roundabout words. I disclaimered myself to death, you know - allowing everybody their space to do and feel and be whatever and still express some little bit of what I'm feeling and thinking but only a little bit of it, just the bit that won't offend, hopefully, and hey, it's only my opinion --- and now I feel like I'm choking on my doubletalk.
I don't know
If I can bring myself to speak ever again...
If I can STOP myself from speaking...
If I will totally alienate and offend everyone before I'm done...
If maybe it would be better to leave now, before it gets worse...
If I will end up alone in the attic again...

What would it have been like if we had been honored, way back in the beginning? If the desire for honor had been allowed expression and given acceptance instead of seen as unloving, egotist, evil. If we had been given our rightful place? What would have happened if our perceptions and knowings had been given validity and a place of honor right alongside everything "the great and powerful wizard of god" said? This part wouldn't have fragmented off, for one thing. This part wouldn't be holding all the rage at being dissed and ignored and made to feel crazy and like her thinking processes are all wrong and what she sees is messed up and stupid...

I know there are more parts of this part out there, hoping for recognition, longing for acknowledgement. I only hope we can meet and heal with eachother and not always see eachother as competition. For now, I give her this space to speak out and "tell it like it is". I love her and I give her her due.

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