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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation
I am so raw lately.|
I am bringing in parts that are so small, so frightened. Lost ones, littlest of lonelies. The pain they carry is so intense. I feel as if I have no skin. The smallest thing triggers me into massive dark places where nothing exists but painpainPAIN!
And the not knowing... the missing mind. The confusion. The memories they share, are so horrible. For so long they lived in that place, with no hope, no comfort, no anchor. For so long they lived in a hostile world where any move was the wrong move. Where every interaction was a trick, a lie, a set up for more pain. Where no voice could be trusted, and every touch led to more pain.
Or did it?
There is even confusion about what we sensed there. It's as if we were purposely kept doubting our own senses, doubting our every feeling.
Why would anyone be so cruel??
Guilt and self-hate have me interacting in places where I don't feel safe, where I'm afraid of coming out... [I feel myself speaking from within these new little parts now... ] Guilt and self-hate tell me I should be a stronger person, I should be able to stand up for myself, or I shouldn't care what anybody else thinks of me, I should be able to say it's just their stuff. I should be able to speak my truth and be who I am and not be afraid of being judged or critisized. Should should should. Other parts of me might be able to participate in lists and groups and listen to criticisms that pretend they're not, and sluff it all off as not belonging to or affecting me in any way. But not these newish littlish heart parts.
These parts have been so lost and without identity or backbone or understanding... they have been eaten and used and spit out ... then gobbled up by somebody else and used and spit out again... they don't know where to go to be safe, who to believe, what "truth" to follow. They feel small and fragile, easily swayed and hurt and unable to stand tall in any wind. And some of these people out there, spouting blaming rage in the name of RUOW, they ARE a wind, a very big hot burning wind.
Trying to birth these smallish heart parts into a hostile environment is just not going to work for me. So I ask them. I am trying to honor them. What do you want, dearest? Don't try to justify it or explain it, just tell me what you feel and desire.
I WANT A SAFE PLACE!!!! I want a small circle of people who like me, who are softer, who want me. WHO ACCEPT ME.I try to tell people what I'm going through, and what I'm feeling right now... how extremely ungrounded I feel, how afraid and doubtful I feel about everything. And they say, in good RUOW-ese, that I should trust my Will, that my Will knows what is true and real, my Will knows who I am.
Good words, and good advice, except that right now it doesn't help. How am I supposed to trust what I feel? I am lost in a swirling mass of dark fog, and the air is filled with strange noises. What I thought was a mother's face turns out to be a witch with fangs who shoves me into an oven and cooks me and eats me. What I thought was a loving caress becomes a pinch that grips my skin and tears a hole in me. What I thought was a knight in shining armor come to rescue me, turns out to be a demon with firey breath, who rapes me and tears me apart. There is no truth, there is only lies.
Then, when I begin to be sure of the fear, when I steel myself for the hurt and the terror, it is withdrawn.
In the place of Dracula, there is a soft fuzzy teddy bear face, saying he loves me, and how could I? Crying a tear because I'm wrongfully afraid of him. Making me feel guilty for not trusting him. Oh, he is so hurt, I have hurt him. He says it wasn't real, he says it was a dream of some long ago past, and now this is real, and why don't I trust him, why don't I believe him? He says he must leave me because I am so doubting.
My broken heart wakes again and wants so badly to believe that THIS time, it's true. THIS time, it's not a lie. And so I let down my guard and I begin to hope and trust and love.
And then I hear his voice saying how much he loves me as he throws me into the oven.
Any feeling I have is taken and twisted and used against me. Every feeling I have is distorted in a Hall of Mirrors that goes on forever, that I have no way to understand, no way to escape.
So how can I trust my feelings?
I know it sounds crazy. I feel crazy!
There's only one thing I know, and I'm holding onto it with every shred of my diminished consciousness - crying works. That's the only thing I have left, and I do trust that if I just keep crying this pain, I will eventually get to the other side of this.
Please god, don't let that be a lie too, or I'm a goner.