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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation


There's no place for me. I have to push and shove and hold out my elbows and MAKE space for myself in a hostile bristly world. Everywhere I go I see a blaring, blinking "NO VACANCY" sign.

I go to other forums and read and hope flares - is there a place for me here?

I join email lists and pretend to be just another normal participant, but my subterrainian agenda is running secretly -- is there a place for me here?

I hate this in myself, I still war with many parts of myself who want to be the guru/queen of the world. It hasn't been that long that I was completely severed from those parts, but they're with me now. I try to honor them, I let them cry, I give them this space as an outlet... When I cry the feelings, really, there's nothing so very horrible there.

I feel lost, alone, forgotten, invisible, unimportant, useless, weak, inept, retarded.
I want to be seen.
I want to be acknowledged.
I want to be heard.

But when I am seen I either feel judged, wrong, bad, stupid, OR I feel terrified that !! somebody is listening and honoring and then the litany starts to run...

Why do they like me? What did I do to get their approval? If I can't figure that out, then I won't know how to keep it! What if I accidentally go and do the opposite? I'll lose their approval in a heartbeat, and I don't understand why. I'm so afraid to speak, I SO want to say and do the right thing, and I just FREEZE.

Then there's the RAGE!
Unjust world. Unjust God. It's MY place, MY PLACE! You're sitting in MY chair!!! Rotten putrid sister-parts out there getting attention while I sit here ignored and invisible and goddamit, I have wisdom too! I hate them, I hate them all!!!

There's so much competition for spirit's attention. I'm imprinted with the belief that there's only just so much spirit love, and if you can be at the top of the list, front of the line, best, prettiest, wisest, sexiest, most... you might be "the one" to get the love. (Except of course, that I don't believe I'll really ever get the love, no matter how wise or pretty or sexy I try to be.)

I read these other forums and websites and email groups and feel this edgy WANTing feeling, I want to jump in there, I want to be seen too, I want to make a fuss and be acknowledged. But the feeling is that there's no room for me there. I don't know if that's true, I've been telling myself it's just me, it's my own feelings of competition, other Mother fragments don't talk about this so it must just be me. But then I realized, hey, look, one or two Mother voices are tending to dominate. Now I KNOW there are a lot of us out there, and they're not speaking either, maybe it's NOT just me that feels like there's no room at the inn.

My feelings say that when one of us is at the front, there's no room for the rest of us. There can be only one queen, one wise woman, one "real" mother. It's a wrong belief. Or is it? I wonder now, if it's not also that we all - each fragment - carry the knowledge that we have a right place, and the longing to get that right place back. To be seen, heard, honored.

Fragmented as we are, it's a built-in conflict-ready situation. NO ONE FRAGMENT can truly occupy that place. No matter how big she feels herself to be. I have actually heard that one fragment claims herself to be the "biggest piece of the Mother here on earth". It won't work, we MUST share the space.

Sitting side by side with my longing for greatness is a huge overwhelming need for my sisters, for all of us together, for wholeness. Longing, not for the love of spirit -- that need sits on another bench for the moment -- but for the love of my sisters, my parts (our parts), for togetherness and comfort only WE can give eachother. So long severed and gapped, the grief aches in my chest and arms and thighs, it aches like a throbbing from an open cut when you feel the blood pounding, trying to heal the wound, but the wound can't be healed without all of us together.

I cry tears that burn, bitter, hopeless grief.

There are so many of us out there. I've encountered you in the world, in email, I've felt you. Why can't we heal together? Why don't we naturally gravitate to one another, drawn together like the magnets that we are? WHY?

I ask this question constantly. It's in my mind almost all the time. Why? What's in the way? Is there a solution?... Trying to find a way, wondering why, hoping, grieving, longing. I read on the that soon many of us will be manifesting the Mother's body here on earth. I laughed. And then I cried. Do they not see? We're already here. Scattered all over the world, living unseen, aching, rolling in shit, dying. Why can't we gather together and help eachother live?

I gave my own parts this space to express in, a forum of my own for my guru-queen-wanna-be parts to speak in. But I also wanted it to be a space other Mother parts could share in also. I sent out invitations to a party but nobody came. Did I sabotage the process? Did my guru-queen-teacher-preacher parts elbow you out? Do I still feel like I have to fight to hold this space for myself and not let you in to share? Am I still at war with myself? Is there an answer? Will my vision of equals sharing in the circle around the fire ever come to be?

I believe, I truly believe, that our coming together is the first most needful thing for the healing of this earth.

I open
I open my arms to you
I open
I let you in and me out
I share I share I share

We have too long gazed skyward, you and I
Branch and branch and twig and leaf...
    severed, reaching upward, competing for the sun
Believing there could be only one, sun-kissed, sun-blessed.
Believing we were not the same.
But when I look down, within, under, below...
    I see you.

Look down and down and down...
    to the deep earthy roots where we join and mingle.
We spring from the same essence,
   though our bodies may stand now separate and side by side,
    we are formed from the same Mother-essence,
   and our hearts are still touching where she hides,
      deep beneath the grass and crust and bark.
Look deep.
Cry deep.

Branch and branch and twig and leaf,

      feel our hearts beating together.

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