cyQuest
searching for wholeness
searching for wholeness
Miscellaneous Musings
cyQuest searching for wholeness |
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Miscellaneous Musings | |
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Why is need so heavily judged? It is twin to desire, and both are felt at a deeply subliminal level to be unacceptable. No matter what words are used or how our surface beliefs say we accept desire and need, just below the surface runs some deeply ingrained and hugely reinforced imprinting that says need is wrong, bad, will be rejected... desire is wrong, bad, will be punished. Where Did It Start? My feeling is that the problem originated in the very earliest days of creation. The imprinting that occurred in all essence, both Spirit and Soul, formed deep judgments against both need and desire, mostly against the mother's body. But these early imprints also caused some of the earliest splits in Spirit. My memories are still very incomplete. The Godchannel description of Grandfather's universe and Original Heart comes close... reminds me vaguely of what I remember. But I feel like there are still so many pieces of the puzzle missing. What I have pieced together so far (subject to change pending recovery of more memory), is that there was an original entity, that was everything, all of us together, balanced and whole. For some reason (which I don't understand) there was a splitting. The part I experience, which I call the Mother's Body, was on the very outside, like a shell, or the rind of a piece of fruit. The part that became God's body was underneath her, inside, maybe an inner shell. My memory of it was like a squeezing started, the outer part contracting, and then the inner part pushing back out. When the squeezing started, he - and the rest of spirit - experienced it as a compression and suffocation. They/he experienced extreme terror, as if "she", the outer shell, was trying to kill them, and so they pushed back and outward a little too hard and caused things to explode instead of just separate in a more gentle fashion. The mother's body got flung out into the far reaches of space. Some of what the RUOW books tell is also my experience, but for the most part the part I know and remember floated in the void of space until the last creation, this one, which took place in her part of space. They didn't know she was there, hungry, starving, building rage and aching with need, waiting like a giant, very angry spider. When she experienced the rest of the Mother's first yearnings for the light, it woke her up, and her own need/hunger woke up with such huge force that she leapt forward or was drawn forward. I believe all of Spirit had a subliminal knee-jerk fear/rage reaction to the Mother's first desire/love in this creation because, unseen and unrecognized, behind the Mother's first offering of love, was this huge voracious enraged NEED of MotherBody. Which triggered Spirit/FoM's earliest memories at the imprinting level of the squeezing and compression, which to them felt like imminent death. Strangling need looming down on them. The description of Spirit reacting badly to Will because he didn't want to be disturbed from his internal reverie never made sense to me. It didn't make sense that that would cause such horrific rage and killing retaliation. It makes much more sense to me that it was her need/desire that triggered him into terror of death and that is what built into eventual retaliation. Not that I forgive any of them for sending out the psychopathic killer or all that followed, but it definitely made more sense to me. Things said in the red book really triggered these memories too. About seeing Mother as a black widow spider, trying to grab him and trap him and hold him. That's actually true. But it wasn't the majority of the Mother he saw there, it was Mother's Body, lurking behind. There are parts of her that believe he will forever withhold his light, that she has to trick him into coming close so she can grab him and eat him and steal his light. Need, Desire, and Attachment Need and desire are not so far apart. Can you even have desire without need? Doesn't desire mean you want something you don't have? I guess you can desire MORE of something you already have, so they're not always hand in hand. But both were judged, still are judged, as wrong and bad and unloving. "Love", as in the "free love" definition, means not holding onto anything. Taken one step further, Spirit/Heart defined unconditional love as not being attached to anyone, anything, any outcome or experience. But that is the very nature of the Will. She is feeling, and preference, and that means attachment. Spirit's Need It seems to me that Spirit HAS to have experienced a similar kind of pain of separation when the explosion happened. It just seems logical. We were once a something whole, and there were suddenly pieces gone. But instead of trying to deal with the terror of needing something outside himself, Spirit (the ultimate MIND of the original entity) decided that he was still all there is, that there was nothing "out there" he needed. When any part of himself felt need or hunger or lack, it tickled his terror and reminded him of his own non-omniscience, so he just got rid of it. I think that was the original split between Father of Manifestation, Heart, and Spirit/Mind. The Body will feel the hunger, the lack, the terror of being separate. But without mind to understand the need, he will spin around in the terror, try to get away from it, judge it, try to emulate Spirit and be without need, fragment out his own need, and terror, and rage, fragment again and again and again. And eventually he will try to kill what he needs, what reminds him, not only of his terror and need, but of having been rejected by his own parts. Heart will feel the hunger and need for love, the yearning to be cared for and to care for another. Heart does not want separation and aloneness. Spirit had to sever himself from his own heart very early on, to avoid hearing the whispers in the dark, the longings for love. Need Has a Place in Creation I think it's possible that need was originally meant to play a vital role in creation. If the Original Entity had intent to divide into two complete beings, they would have no reason to interact, no impetus to form a union or join. The plan must have been for each part to be missing something, so they would be drawn back together. In order to not just drift apart uncaring, THEY'D HAVE TO NEED EACHOTHER. Need would build (grow up) into love, then. But that need was the first problem, the first gap, the first rejected feeling. Our original needs were never met, never fed, never comforted and sated. Our needs have never been able to naturally grow up, and naturally form into love between us as equals. Instead of loving equals, we have need and denied need and judged need. We have polarizations between the sexes, with many men completely rejecting any sign of need in themselves, and barely tolerating need in women. Not that men are the only ones who push away need. Women often avoid men who are too needy, too. It's just like crying. As adults, in our society, we tolerate a certain amount of crying, within certain guidelines and in certain situations. Beyond that, acceptance wanes and is replaced by impatience and judgments and irritation. We tolerate a certain amount of neediness, in infants and small children, but beyond a certain age, acceptance wanes. My Need Patterns Need is my most pervasive and hidden pattern. My imprinting is laced through and through with need. Raw need, hungry need, terrified I'll never get what I need, rage that "they" don't give me what I need... games to play to try to get my needs met without letting them know I need them, because if they find out they'll take it away... judgments on my own needs, hatred of my need, hatred of my helplessness and wishing I could just meet my own needs, belief that I will forever be helpless and needing ... hatred of "their" judgments of my need. At this imprinting level the need is very infantile. And it's layered over with eons of re-imprinting and judgments and dangling hope and ... let's not forget the unloving light that we hold onto because we'd rather have that than the horror of nothingness again. I had to really dig deeply into my own need to find how MUCH rage there is buried in it. I'm enraged all the time about how much I need, and about my needs not getting met. I think any time I reach out to get my needs met - whether it's to a friend/sister or lover - I also reach with rage's expectations piggybacking, and I know people feel that hidden rage from me... on some level. It's a pattern, a set up, that makes them wary of me. They feel my lurking pattern that says if they don't meet my needs they're going to get my rage. It makes them back away nervously right out of the gate, and then rage can feel justified. Rage jumps in and says, "See? Another confirmation that our needs won't ever be met." The pattern has to fulfill itself, so I have mostly been attracted to emotionally unavailable men. It used to really mess me up. I'm still working through all of this and there's a lot I don't see about myself yet. I am still a work in progress, but I'm doing the best I can. |
