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"I" am a sphere, containing three basic layers.
| Personality - The Outside Layer |
The outer self, the personality, is where we interact with the world.
Personality is not the same as self-image. The self-image is projected outward and stands in front of us, obscuring our vision and showing us a frozen picture of ourselves, whereas the personality can shift and change about quite a lot, depending on context, environment, others in my sphere who I wish to please, and depending on what part or parts I'm working on developing at the moment. How our personality presents outwardly is usually connected to what's going on inside, although I have occasionally "tried on" different presentation faces to see how they felt.
I don't mean to imply that this outer "personality" layer is false or phony. It's as much a part of us as the inner layers, but because of pain and fragmentation and judgments and guilt, this outer layer has become more of an effort at survival than a spontaneous joyful way of interacting with the world. We do the best we can, we try to stay alive. That has been our reality for a very long time. Grim, but true. This outer layer is often almost entirely patterns, acting out in repeating behaviors built on layers and layers of pain, held frozen in place or in restricted modes of behaving by the judgments and pain in our self-image.
Different parts of us come to the "fore" to respond to or interact with the world at different times. For instance, sometimes my Will/emotional self comes forward, and anyone meeting me for the first time would say, "She's very emotional." Or I pull forward my Thinker, my mind (my spirit part) to speak, or write here, for instance, and then words and logic are dominant in how I interact. A person meeting me for the first time might say, "She is mental and articulate." These are aspects of my self, coming forward from my center and/or middle, expressing through my personality to interact with the world. They are not my whole self.
If left to interact organically without judgments and guilt and so on, I believe my personality would express a myriad of aspects, all "me", all of whom love and accept eachother, and all of whom are free to joyously react to and interact with the world in whatever ways seem appropriate to each moment. But because of fragmentation and loss of essence and judgments, etc, I don't have all of me here yet. And the me that I do have here is still subject to judgments and guilt and denial and the restrictions of both my mental and emotional self-image. When personality is relying on anything other than our Core, what you see in me is not my true self. What you see often reflects my pain and denial rather than my inner core.
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RELATED PAGES:
 Understanding Who We Are
Self-Image, The Painted Mirror
Thoughts on Fragmentation
Ego and Boundaries
Entities, Denial Spirits, and Other Problems
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| The Workroom - The Middle Layer |
The middle ground is where I do my processing and integrating and healing work. In my mind's eye it's like a gathering place, a workshop for all my parts. I draw in essence and cry the pain there and remember the memories and integrate that essence into myself. Most often the memories and feelings I cry here are oriented toward the Mother, but I have also cried parts/fragments from other essence families. The key to who I "am", is ... which essence moves inward to my core to become integrated ... and which does not.
Essence that is of my "family", once fully cried and healed, moves inward, and integrates into the core. So far, the only essence that has integrated to my core has carried pain and memories of the Mother, which is why I would say "I am" an aspect of the Mother.
Essence that is not of my "family" will often leave me once I have cried it. I trust to God to bring that essence to its right place or take care of them if their own family members won't take them back.
Sometimes, essence that is not of my "family" stays with me, and seems to live in this middle ground. It never becomes integrated with the core, I am always aware of it as separate from me, but I haven't worried about it as long as I don't feel this essence as invasive or intrusive. I have become aware recently however, that essence living in my middle ground can be taking up space needed for my core to grow. I must be willing to let essence go that isn't mine, even if it's not invasive or of bad intent, in order that my true self can expand and grow.
Other essence I have found IS invasive and intrusive. Sometimes this is essence that has glommed onto me from other spirits who are trying to own me or take my space. There have been times when I feel exchange of essence happening, like a take-over or power-over. Another's essence feels like it's worming into me, or threading into me.
That's just one example of essence exchange, I do believe it's happening all the time. We are a LOT less self-contained than we think, in our little shells of bodies. We think our skin is our boundary, but it's not. But from my experience, as soon as I start to cry, it all gets sorted out. Essence that is mine is vibrating madly, happily. Essence that is not will go to its right place, to its own family.
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| The Core |
At the center, at the most inner core is what I would call my true self, this is where I would use the word "identity". It is where I am most truly myself, and where I most truly know myself, because it is also my connection to my primary consciousness and the family of essence I belong to.
This core is an entirely unique thing in this creation. It is a compilation of aligned essence from all the parts of me that I have healed so far. Knowing that we have never been in a fully aligned, fully healed, unfragmented state makes this core an exciting unknown. Something wholly new ... the culmination of all this work. She is the integrated result of all these healed parts, points of view, memories and feelings.
The scary thing for me has been the realization that this core self, ME, wasn't always there. I had enough essence to incarnate, yes, and I had enough mind and emotion to move through my life with some intent and progress. But I was vulnerable to take-over, easy prey to power mongers and manipulators, I was the original wishy-washy, a chameleon in the crowd. I had very little inner core. I lived mostly through the patterns and pain in my middle ground, and my outer layer got mushed and pushed and shifted and changed and I never understood. I didn't know how badly I was severed from my sense of self until I began to notice her growing within me.
This core has ... integrity. It is what it is. It is no other. And unlike my personality, it can't be swayed or buffeted or guilted or overtaken or made to be anything other than what it is. As I cry and heal fragmented essence, my inner core grows and strengthens. I don't honestly know who *I* will be in 10 years, a year, even tomorrow, because this inner core, my identity, is constantly changing and shifting and growing.
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| Comments |
Right now when I visualize myself in layers, it looks like my inner core takes up about 15% of the sphere. The middle ground where I work is the biggest area, maybe 70%, and my personality/outer layers is about 15%. The bulk of myself is the middle ground because I'm still drawing in and working with essence and pain and backlog and denials. But I can foresee a time when my inner core grows to be the bulk of me, when enough has been healed that my interactions with the world spring entirely from my inner integrity. That's something I look forward to very much.
I feared seeking my true identity, I feared it would mean I would be left more alone and individual. But I also feared NOT seeking my true identity. I feared losing myself by having to integrate with some essence higher up on the fragmentation chain than me. I feared I would lose my "identity" and be absorbed, lost in a sea of essence and no longer myself.
Neither of these extremes appears to be true. I find as my core/identity is strengthened and expanded that I feel more connected. I feel the threads between us, connecting family members together, like the roots of the tree. We cannot be separated entirely. I have always been part of this family, connectedness was always there, I just didn't know it.
Finding your right family essence, your own right place and identity, is something that can only be known from your core, it cannot be decided from the middle ground, or divined from the outer personality. And developing your core cannot be willed or forced or "decided". It will develop naturally. It is only a matter of time and crying and healing. If we persevere, every bit of essence can find its right place, its own true family. I believe that's the only way we'll really feel complete and right. And I believe that only then can we begin to really find balance between families, only then can we begin to live and love and heal creation.
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