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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation
I am a great big Needy Baby.
How can I feed myself?
If I have no light, how can I generate light to feed me?
If I am in the dark, how can I find the light to feed me?
I feel parent-less. Am I a fragment of the Mother?
If I have no parent, who will parent me?
Who will care for me?
Who will tend my wounds?
I heard voices saying, "generate your own light", as if that was something I should know how to do, be able to do. I must just be too stupid to do it, their advice didn't help me at all.
I heard voices saying, "You are wrong to look outside yourself to get your needs met." And so I tried to look inside. I tried to feed on my own darkness, to suckle at my own empty belly.
I saw others being fed, being bathed in light.
When will God finally come to me with light unfolded and unfettered and say to me, LOVE? And if he does, will I be able to open and accept his love?
I am not grown up enough for love. I am a great Needy Baby, hungry and demanding and selfish. I need to be nurtured, I need to be held while I cry, I need to be fed.
I feel something coming, I feel the light, something, approaching, coming closer, coming closer!!!
Stomach constricts and rolls and growls!!!
Throat grows dry and mouth begins to water!
Eyes go slightly out of focus...
Mouth opens wide as he approaches.
Like a baby bird, waiting to be fed.
It is a response I do not choose, it just happens.
Open wide, mouth gaping, throat open, howling and sucking air, waiting to be filled with .... something.
Help me, feed me, give to my emptiness what I need!!!
Mouth is open wide wide wide WIDE and I'm howling loudly with his approach and suddenly ...
something big and round is shoved down my throat.
Shoved down with force and hatred. Shoved down again, this time farther down my throat, and I can't breathe. I think, Was this what I was calling for, asking for? Am I supposed to swallow this? I try, but I can't do it. I think maybe there is something wrong with me, that I can't take in what is being offered! Something must be wrong with me.
It happens so fast. Seconds ago I WANTED it so badly, but now I am terrified and I want it to STOP! I am horrified that I might have brought this on myself.
Again and again, the thing is shoved in and down, and he is not hearing my gasps for breath, my choking, he doesn't feel me fighting to move back and away, a useless effort because I have no control over my movements anyway.
Again and again, battering, ramming, gleefully hatefully raping.
Hatred and hatred and hatred ... being shoved down into my throat and I tried to close my throat, tried to stop the invasion, but I couldn't and I was terrified!!!
Hope turned to horror.
I felt it then, reaching down in my belly, down lower even in places I didn't know were hungry. I feel it there. Hatred.
I have received hatred with each pounding that said, "You're hungry? EAT THIS! I'll give you what you need, here, TAKE THIS! Is that enough? Are you satisfied now? I'll teach you to NEED!!!"
Swift and horrible. It seems to go on forever, but then suddenly it stops. Suddenly he is gone. I have a brief glimpse of satisfied, gloating eyes.
He is gone.
I'm alone again, in the dark.
Alone with my hunger and ... something new.
HATRED of my hunger.
FEAR of my own hunger.
I ... break.
Brittle, dried, crumpled bits of me seem to explode away from me. I watch them flying off into the darkness.
I am in shock.
I hear my rasping breath, I feel my throat, swollen and raw and aching. I try to swallow, but I can't.
I hear a small voice I don't recognize as mine, whispering... "why?"
I feel my throat closing, hardening. Never again, never again will I let that happen. I find the ability to close and harden, an ability I never knew I had, and I USE it. I close and harden, and fortify and close and harden some more. If that battering hatred comes at me ever again it will find the way barred.
Behind the closed throat, low down in my belly and lower, I feel the burning still. I feel his hatred. I feel my hunger. I feel them feeding on each other. I know his hatred hates my need, but I don't understand this, I don't know why, and ... I don't know what to do.
I am still Needy Baby.
I am still starving and alone and cold.
I still need.
I am bereft, in shock, battered and hated, and utterly utterly comfortless.
Next.... The White Mother