Earliest memories ...
I am like the rind of an orange, the thick shell of a fruit. The outer edge of something. And something is being formed, something is happening, I feel a quickening, an excitement, a thrill. I squeeze, I squeeze, I am so excited, and afraid, and the pressure is mounting and building and I am squeezing and then there is resistance and something not right and ...
I wake in darkness, black and empty and cold and alone. Drifting alone in the dark, I struggle against my fate for a time. I make a noise that sounds like ghash... ghash. And then howling. Horrible empty howling need. Need, and need, and NEED! Hungry hungry hungry HUNGRY!!! Devoid of light and sustenance, grinding emptiness, aching hunger, on and on and on forever.
I sleep and wake, spin into madness and black out... only to wake again. Each time with less and less... or is it more and more?
Black, inky darkness. So dark I can't see the darkness. I don't know if there
is a boundary. Is there one? Is it near or far? I strain to see... but I see nothing. My eyes play tricks, I think I see shadows and things moving, but when I stare there is nothing there. Am I blind? I am terrified by my blindness and the dark.
Silence. So thick and heavy I can't hear even myself. I don't know if there is
sound, but I seem to hear things from deep within me. What's that? A small rustling sound, I thought I heard it, but I look to see and never see anything. I hear echoes and moanings, and I can't tell if I am making the sound or not. I am terrified by the silence, and by the sounds that have no source.
Falling. I am falling, but I do not know that word. How can I know falling when I don't know up or down? I am terrified by this, it confuses me. It is vertigo ... no ground and endless spinning and speed and no up or down or boundaries. I am so afraid! I have nothing to hold onto, nothing to ground me, nothing by which to know where I am or am not. Please, make it stop!! MAKE IT STOP!!!
Pain. Sharp, intense and unfocused. Biting and stabbing and piercing and crunching. I feel myself jerking in quick response to the bites and pokes and stabs, but I have no words to call it pain, no sense of where it's happening in my body. I don't even know how to cry out. I don't know how to move away from it. I can't feel my body, my self, to know where the pain is. I can't move myself, my body seems to be a blob in space. I can't move. I am frozen.
Rage. I am so helpless!!! Rage at the pain! Rage at the source of the pain!!! I feel myself searching for the source, searching for the reason... Rage that I don't know the source of the pain, that I have no eyes to see the source, no ears to hear it, no way to move away from it, no control over it's beginning or ending. I am HELPLESS!!!!!
Terror expands tenfold and wraps me in a whirlwind of spinning so intense I can't breathe for a moment. I have merciful moments of unconsciousness. Then I awake, and it all begins again. It seems to be endless and eternal and more terrifying because I can't find the source, I don't know the reason for it, and I don't know how to make it stop.
I don't have words or thoughts to think about any of this. I can't make sense of all these sensations. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!! I don't understand, somebody help me, please, what's happening, why, how can I make it stop? PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!
I am terrified by my inability to make sense of any of this. I am terrified by the lack of solid ground, by the lack of beginnings and endings, cause and effect.
I cry, please help me, ground me.
Please help me make sense of this.
Please give me consciousness, help me stop the pain from happening.
I conclude I am the garbage. The refuse. The stuff they don't need. They... WE... were making something, I remember bits and pieces of something... It feels like all the important ingredients were put into the bowl and the glory of creation became. The garbage got thrown out. Thrown away and forgotten. I am the banana peel, the egg shell, the excess, the hard rind, not needed. The leftovers, the shit. The literal excrement of creation.
I HATE MYSELF!!!
I hate being alive.
The garbage is alive.
Why? Why is the garbage alive? Why do I have awareness and feelings? Why do I suffer this hunger and aloneness and cold? Why do I rage? Is it a mistake? Why don't they come and kill me? Put me out of my misery?
I am a magnet. Things, horrible things in the dark, drift inevitably to me and I bloats and bloats and become a dark grotesque, hideous, gaping gash in space. And I am powerless to stop it. Sometimes I gets an image of myself floating there, like a dark stain in space. I feel the disgusting things filling my belly and clinging to me like barnacles, feeding on my flesh. I am frozen, I can't move. I look down to see my chest and belly, ripped open like raw meat, torn and ripped and raw. The flesh is pink and glistening. I see it for a moment as if detached, before I realize it's MY breast, MY heart open and exposed and bleeding. And then, I see small wiggling things, bugs, spiders... crawling over me, tearing at my ragged flesh, feeding on me. They rip and tear and chew.
I clench and clench and squeeze and TRY to move to get them OFF me! GET THEM OFF ME! I try to scream but I have no voice.
I feel them crawling in... burrowing, entering my body, crawling beneath my skin, into my belly and heart. Crawling and burrowing and laying eggs. They have laid their eggs deep within me and their offspring will feed on me from the inside. Feed on me and feed on me until there is nothing left, but all the while I am alive, I will feel the gnawing and chewing and sucking and I will be alive right up till the very end.
I feel a scream building inside me. I beg, silently. I plead, silently. God, no, please put an end to this. I finally hear myself making a sound, a whimper, a small whispering, please, please help me...
I push the sounds out then, screams of terror and rage. Sounds that fall empty into the darkness surrounding me. Rage at the things, rage at me and my stupid frozen helplessness, garbage that is alive, what a ridiculous joke I am, rage at God. Have you no mercy? Killme Killme Killme!!!!!
Madness and hunger and darkness and silence.
I try to die...
I cannot die. This will go on forever and ever. It will never end.
I try to black out.
Madness and hunger and darkness and silence....
Madness and hunger and darkness and silence....