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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation

Protector Rage
This is a continuation of The Three of Us

... avenge and protect.

Avenge and protect.

Her litany is avenge and protect.

Of course, the avenge part has largely been hidden from view. Emphasis placed on the PROTECT. She would like to present as the loving champion, the noble protector, the one who saves the children from evil ... with no ulterior motives. But as long as she harbors a secret revenge agenda, her own denial will defeat her every time.

This part has been hovering around/near me all my life, always just out of my range of vision. I have never seen her full on, or been conscious of her acting within me. Until just recently, she has been in such a state of denial that when she swooped in and took over, I remembered very little of the incident.

My brother described me as a badger. Seemingly cute and harmless, but dangerous when cornered. I had no idea what he was talking about. I knew myself only as a terrified rabbit. I would never do such battle as he described me doing. Never. I was too afraid. And afraid of being wrong, or judged, or punished. Rage was bad and wrong and I was afraid of it.

He described an incident when I swooped down on a whole gang of neighborhood kids and lambasted them all for picking on him (to his embarassment). I don't remember doing it. What I do remember is backing away, slinking back into the house in embarassment, being aware of all their eyes staring at me hatefully.

There are several of these incidents throughout my life that other people told me about afterward. It's not quite as if I "lost time" or lost consciousness. It's more like I was in a dream, and it's a dream that I can't quite remember.

Now that this part has come more fully into me, maybe I'll be able to remember those times.

I see her now. I feel her within me, and I WANT her to be with me. She is valiant. She stands tall and strong and fearless, and her ability to act and protect and do battle is enormous and swift and sure.

She's always sure she's right.

On her own, without any other parts balancing her rage and judgment, she is lopsided, and of course, she denies her own rage and desire for revenge. She wants only to protect, her cause is just. She would never be clouded by petty revenge. Except of course, she is clouded.

Her judgment is not entirely faulty. I have found no cause to doubt her perceptions of the evil she sees, or in her desire to fight it. What I want is for her to cry her revenge-rage, let that come in out of denial and move and heal. She had a right to be that angry, she had a right to want revenge. But it needs to be cried, not acted out in a state of denial.

The things that trigger her most are things I hate too. Injustice. The weak being dominated by the strong. She would protect all the small parts who haven't enough essence to hold themselves together, who haven't enough essence to vibrate themselves out of harm's way. She would push back those who want to harm the Will, or harvest the Will, or dominate, or suppress.

It's the harvesters that she hates the most. And harvesters come in many forms.

There are denial spirits, and other entities, minions of Lucifer and Ahriman, who capture and suck the essence out of fragments of Will wherever they can find them. There are still, now at this moment, Will parts trapped in horrible places, being tormented and fed upon. And when they've been sucked dry and have no more juice to give, they'll be tossed out into the dark void like useless garbage.

Here on this planet, there are harvesters in human form. Gurus and wise ones and church leaders and cult leaders, and many who use no title, who stand under no banner or label. They harvest just the same. They have become quite adept at boundary crossing, and often those they invade don't even know they've been invaded and taken over.

These little parts I've brought in and cried... they tell such horrible stories. Mind control and emotional manipulation... the harvesters use love and our desire for light to blur our boundaries. One of their favorite ways of blurring boundaries is to seem to offer the answers to all our needs - emotional, spiritual, sexual - and we eagerly open to the promise of fulfillment. And for a time, there may even be a feeling of upliftment, as most of them have more light than the Will they want to dominate. They offer some of this light in exchange for your Will, in exchange for bits of your essence, and they feed on you greedily while you stand and stare entranced at the pretty lights dancing in your head. And when they have done feeding, they will cast you off, push you to the back of the line, leave you hungry and needing and desperately addicted to them. You will follow wherever they lead, because you think they have the light you need... and they also have bits of your essence entrapped, which you are drawn to without knowing what or why.

This boundary blurring/addictive process can happen in the blink of an eye. Or it can happen slowly over time. Most harvesters are very clever at assessing just how strong your boundaries are, and what it will take to get you to open to them. If you hold a lot of juicy Will essence, they will be willing to wait a very long time and "work" you until you give it up.

Protector-rage wants this to stop. She swells with rage, growing huge within me, I feel big and strong and capable of anything when she's with me like this. I WANT THE HARVESTING TO STOP!!! I want the sharks to stop preying on us. I want to push back all the Will-eaters, push them back to a place where they can no longer prey on anyone. Give us a chance to heal!

I welcome this protector-rage part, I want her with me. I wish we had never separated, I wish we had been able to cry and heal in the past. But we can cry and heal now.

She pushes me to speak, she pushes me into battle, and sometimes it's very unwise. She has, in the past, pushed me and carried me FAR into battle, and then when the enemy is swelling and we are losing, she has left me there. I have "woken" in the middle of a bloody battlefield, with the enemy bearing down on me, and all my strength just suddenly gone. All my courage - fpppp - gone. She hasn't stayed for the capture and the torture and the horrible deaths. No wonder she is so brave.

I am letting her act through me now, I am going to be conscious of her now. I accept her, I accept her need to act and her rage, and I accept her mission. BUT. I need her to listen to me too. I need her to listen and not just charge off into battle. And mostly I need her not to leave me when the pain starts. I need to rage AT her, and tell her about all the horrible things that were done to us after she left, all the horrible tortures that a heartless enemy is capable of, all the pain we suffered. I am enraged at her for taking me there and leaving me there. I want some say-so in what battles we fight.

And maybe together, this time, we can actually win one.

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