cyQuest
searching for wholeness
searching for wholeness
Miscellaneous Musings
cyQuest searching for wholeness |
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Miscellaneous Musings | |
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Your rage is looking for a vehicle, a wave to ride outward from you where you have it imprisoned and shackled. Your rage wants life, breath fire to flame and blame and burn. It has never known the light of full acceptance. When it has come out of the darkness, it has come like a freight train belching poison fumes into the air barreling down on its targets without care a huge destructive force without heart. Consciousness it has, but not the consciousness of loving light. While it has fought the shackles and chains for eons, the consciousness of unloving light has become its ally. This Dark Consciousness has worked hard to help rage break free. This Dark Consciousness is so interlaced with your own, it is very hard to feel the difference. They have become Siamese twins within you. And rage which should be helping you discern in this sees only that the Dark Consciousness is its friend believes only that the Dark Consciousness is righteous and right and believes that you are its enemy. Fettered rage and Dark Consciousness. They feed each other. The Dark Consciousness feeds your rage shows your rage pictures designed to enflame (and it's so easy to do) builds a path for rage to escape and break free to wreak havoc a path made of justifications and reasons and rationales and frozen points of view. Dark Consciousness lulls the guards to sleep with its reason and its righteousness. It is very clever. It will never use something you KNOW to be false. It will use things that are mostly true, partly true, truths that can be twisted. It will use your beliefs ... and your feelings ... your fears, your love, your desire to protect, your pain. Especially it will use things you perceive about others. Those are the things that feed its agenda best. For what is a weapon without a target? Rage and Dark Consciousness are in collusion with one another. But where rage is only seeking expression and acceptance, Dark Consciousness is seeking conflict, and chaos, and harm. Rage, compressed enough to become hatred, will also seek to cause harm, but that is not its primary essence. Dark Consciousness also carries another agenda, a more deadly and insidious one. It seeks to prevent rage from actually moving and finding healing. It wants to keep rage spinning in righteous acting out. It seeks to prevent rage from believing you. For if rage found real healing, its charge would dissipate, and Dark Consciousness would no longer have a vehicle to ride and create chaos with. It would no longer have a slave to whipcrack and lie to and prod into useless battles. And so ... Dark Consciousness stokes the engines, and rides the train of destruction... a gleeful conductor, feeding the fires with righteousness, setting up the standard of superiority, weaving words of attack for rage to use, and laying down cleverly crafted traps for "the enemy". And when the train gradually runs out of steam? When no more enemies can be found to plow into the ground? Do the guards begin to awaken again, and slowly draw rage back into its prison? Do they re-attach the chains lock the doors and lash themselves with guilt for being so weak and letting rage loose? Or do you nurse rage at your bosom, stroke its head with praise and simmer, waiting for the next round? I ask you to notice these things in your rage, in your desire to slice each other with words. Notice. Notice when you feel high on righteousness, when you feel puffed up like a balloon, believing yourself to be the sword of truth, cutting down the evil "enemy" whatever form they may take. Notice when you are oh so right. And none can win an argument with you. You have all the answers. All the angles. That is the time when Dark Consciousness has your rage in a spell. Notice it. Notice when others seem to be hurt by you all out of proportion to what you thought you were expressing. Have you felt this bafflement? Has it seemed to you that ... they are overly sensitive? unable to "handle" rage? dramatizing? lying? If you could see the energy swirling out from you, if you could see the damage caused by your barreling train Notice ... how Dark Consciousness causes your rage to radiate more poison how the knife of your rage cuts a deeper swath than you meant, draws more blood causes more harm. At these times what you may think is just your own rage expression... is so much more. The solution is not in justifying the freight train, nor in ignoring the damage that it does. Ask your heart. How will your heart feel when you wake from your werewolf rampage to find yourself standing in a pool of blood ? Will you pretend you don't care? Will you shove your heart away from you and scorn its weakness? Will you tell yourself you're not really hurting anyone? Will you tell yourself it's all their own fault? That it doesn't matter? That this rampage is justified, payment for chains? Feel how your heart feels. Feel how the feathery petals of YOUR most sensitive places burn and writhe and cringe and scream. This is real, the damage caused is real. NOTICE IT! You must begin somewhere the process of noticing ... of separating out your consciousness from the Dark Consciousness with its dark agenda. You must begin to reclaim your rage's allegiance. Thus far it has been in appearance only, despite your commitment and your shining halo. Begin re-negotiations with your rage. I mean this quite literally. You must apologize to your rage, for judging it for holding it back for hating it for blaming it. Your rage sees you - loving consciousness - as the enemy, as the jailor. And rightfully so. It has no reason to listen to you, to trust you. It has no reason to believe you, after long eons of shunning and incarceration. Rage must first be allowed to express itself about being held back about being hated and judged and killed and not listened to. And this must be done WITHOUT WORDS. Without words. From its deepest depths, from the screeching, red-filled marrow, bring forth the primal cry of the infant, let the acrid tears squeeze out from eyes too long dry, let the gutteral growl of the beast mingle with the wrenching sobs let your body teach you what it has always known how to let these things move and heal without words. Dark Consciousness is so intertwined with rage, and the two are so interdependent, that rage's TRUE feelings have rarely, if ever, been expressed without the presence - and more importantly, the INFLUENCE - of the Dark Consciousness. And remember, Dark Consciousness has a secret agenda. Rage will not believe that you mean to give it expression and acceptance. And Dark Consciousness will feed rage's doubt. Rage will fight you. Rage will tell you tears are not how it wants to heal. It will tell you it MUST speak, MUST roll over others like a locomotive. This is rage's belief, but notice how it NEVER FINDS RELIEF OR HEALING IN THIS WAY. So why does rage believe it? Rage has been lied to. But it doesn't know it. It has been shaped and molded by Dark Consciousness. Never having known true acceptance and true expression, it believes that this is the only choice, to break the walls, to let loose the charge, to follow the path that the Dark Consciousness has laid. It has to learn trust from the ground up, one inch at a time, in baby steps. I say again, this expression must be done without words. If you can get rage to move in you fully without words just one time, the next time will be easier. The more rage moves in this way, the more REAL relief and healing it will find. And the more trust will be built between you. Slowly, slowly rage will let go of the hand of the Dark Consciousness and will turn to you instead. Little by little rage will know that the Dark Consciousness has been the liar not you. Inch by inch rage will find true acceptance in your eyes and relief and healing in its expression instead of the constant neverending relentless bound gagged compressed pounding churning swirling vortex that has been its reality. Little by little you will become whole. |
