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Another Part Retrieved from the Gap...
Summer 1998

A new part came home from the gap today. She feels like she's entirely a self-hate fragment. She says she can't move, she's so heavy. When Mother left that place and so much of us remained, we were heavy then too. We couldn't take a step, we were so weighed down by self-hate. And so she left us there. We hate her for that and we hate ourselves even more. And then we broke even more, and some of us became Lucifer's tools and soldiers and some became more and more and more dense. Too dense to even stand up now, and self-hate makes her fight me, she says NO to being rescued. can you believe that? how awful, how horrible, it's just too much and I have to get these parts out of there, I can't leave them there. I know ALL of this isn't really self-hate. Some of it is the darkdeath we took in at the first blast. We've been hiding it ever since, but it eats away at me inside and it feels like it's me, I can't tell where it ends and I begin. Is that all it is? Is that what my self-hate IS? If he never blasted us, if we never took in his hate or heard his commandment to die, would this even be self-hate? *sigh* It would be so nice to just give it all back and say here, none of this is mine, it would be so wonderful to feel ... love. good. But I don't know that none of it is mine. I don't know, I don't know anything, and that's the root of my crazy indigo parts, I can't tell what is me and what is not, what is true and what is a lie... And everything we do is out of that self-hate. Everything. Either to cover it up, or to prove it's not true, or to act it out as true. Terror of Lucifer is largely terror that he'll prove self-hate to be true. And reveal our shame to the world. Terror of torture too, yes, but if we didn't believe our self-hate, we wouldn't allow ourselves to be tortured.... body says we used to be able to shapeshift right out of harms way. Self-hate made us more and more and more dense, and the more dense, the more vulnerable, the more blame on body and the more self-hate, and on and on and on ....

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