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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation
Lost and alone, barely alive, we washed up on the shore of some small unknown island. The storms at sea wrecked our ship entirely, and seem to have washed away most everyone else. It's just me... and him.|
I see myself in a thick black dress with a white collar. The material is uncomfortable and scratchy, heavy when wet, and incredibly hot. As the days pass, I begin to have thoughts I know I should not have.
I have loved him for a long time, a hopeless kind of love that knows it can never have him. I am not the kind of woman who would normally attract even a passing glance from him. But now... perhaps it won't matter. Perhaps nothing will matter. We might be lost here for the rest of our lives. Might he not begin to love me, just a little? Perhaps all the morals and dictates of the church can be set aside here, in this isolated place. Perhaps ...
He is competent. Beautiful and masculine and very capable. He knows how to survive in this place. But soon I realize that he sees me as one big burden, not a helpmate, not someone to turn to and lean on. I try to help, but I am not strong, nor capable. I am ashamed, both of my weakness and my love.
After a time, he does turn to me... brief episodes in the night that both shock me, and leave me weak and longing for more. But after a while he loses interest and doesn't even want me for that. He begins to leave me alone for days at a time while he goes off exploring and doing who knows what. He always leaves me with plenty of food, and there don't appear to be wild animals or predators on this island. I can feel him wishing to be away from me. I am a stone around his neck, a responsibility that he would just as soon be rid of. He hates my need. He feels I am holding him back, dragging him down.
I grew to hate him. I hated him and I hated my love for him that refused to die. It was a constant aching longing in my breast, and a source of shame that he would not even turn to me for basic human needs, not even on this island where there was no one else.
Something happened one time while he was gone ... I don't know if I got bitten by something, or just got an infection of some kind, but I became very ill and feverish. By the time he returned I was having delusions. I felt giddy and drunk, and with some shred of consciousness left, I vowed I would come back and haunt him. I told him he would be left alone on this island forever and I would haunt him. I wanted to frighten him, and I could see in his eyes that I succeeded, and that he hated me all the more for having this brief power to frighten him.
What a recreation of my OC. I hated this man, who was a fragment of spirit no doubt. I hated him for having/being all that I needed and for refusing to give it. He didn't care. Just like God, holding all the light, being so stingy with what we needed to live. Demanding that we let go and learn to live on our own, stop needing his light.