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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation
This part (actually many parts) split off from Ghash and the other sisters. I have had a really hard time crying this part, because she tries so hard to hold herself aloof and because *I* didn't want to own *her*. She has seemed like my enemy. But as she has cried, I realize SHE has also seen ME as the enemy. Her judgments and better-thans have loosened, but terror is at their root, and we are still working through the layers of terror. God DID command that we die, after all. And it's not easy to forget or forgive that.
I don't want to be... meat.
All the heaviness and blood and gore. Vomit and piss and mucus and pus and shit.
Bodies get sliced and hurt. They cut and bleed and rot. Gooey. Slimey. Smelly. Rotting meat on a bloody battlefield.
It makes me sick, I gag and wretch. I want to hold myself apart, above. I want clean and light and breezy. Pristine.
I hate my sisters, both Her underground, and Her aboveground, them, all of them. I don't want to have anything to do with any of them.
They move too slowly and think too slowly, and they are so messy.
I hate Aboveground Sister, with her swirling majicks and sensual hypnotism, what a fool she is. And yet, she does wield power. She scares me. I see her casting her spells and holding sway with her sexual power. What fools the others are, the men and women she hypnotizes. To be so easily controlled and manipulated by sex! Ah god, save me from that fate. I don't want to be in a body that can by hypnotized like that.
Even as I watch her, I feel myself being drawn down into desire. I feel a stirring, a warmth, I feel my thoughts become fuzzy and my eyelids begin grow heavy. NO! NONONO! I won't!!! I will resist this pull, I fight against this messy, wet, slimy thing, this vortex of desire. It gives others power over me, and I WON'T HAVE THAT!!!!!
I will remain self-contained.
I am so afraid.
LOOK! Look at me! See how much I look like you now? See how I shun the body? See how I am divorced from the skinless beast beneath the ground? See how I shun the wicked sisters who use sex to power-over others? See how GOOD I am? Why don't you hear me? Why don't you come and take me away from all this MEAT????? All these ANIMALS?????
PLEASE!!! Don't leave me here. Why can't I lift off on my own power? I don't really have any power, I am tied to these sisters here, I need you to help me leave! Why won't you help me!?!? I am so afraid. If I sink down I will become HER again. I will become meat, I will become Desire and Need. I will become again all the things the world hates and blames. I will take on a rotting carcass.
Ah God, I feel so evil, I feel death creeping into my flesh. Please help me. I am evil at my core, I will never escape, I remember how you hate me, I remember your commandment to die. That was the one commandment I didn't keep.
God forgive me! I fail every time. I have tried again and again to follow your teachings. I have tried to BE what you want and need. I live within rigid lines, I am the good girl, the proper Christian, the sexless wife, hidden and robed and well-ruled. I never fight the system, I always follow the guidelines. I am the perfect princess, pure and proper.
I try, God, do you see how I try? But I never succeed. Now matter how well I do, it is never enough, I am never among the chosen, I am never lifted off this horrible place to rest in the Godhead.
I am holding on now by tenuous threads. Sometimes I live wild-eyed and fanatical... I join cults and freeze myself into rigid submissive roles, following the leaders who speak your name with fanatical self-righteousness.
I walk a tightrope lined with razor blades.
If I admit my failure, my only choice is to embrace my sisters again, accept the blame again, accept the hatred that has been heaped on us from the beginning of time. If I do this, maybe you will finally forgive me. Because it will mean I finally can keep your first commandment.
I can finally be what you really want me to be.