Are you there? I am small, I am so tiny, I am almost non-existant. Will you hear me, will you
see me? Heart pounding, trying to ignore the voices of self-hate that tell me
I'm a fool, twice a fool to try this again.
I try to talk to you directly. I try and try. I can't hear you, and I fear there's
something wrong with me, I'm too small, too stupid, too blocked, to hear
your voice when all these others claim to hear you and know you.
I will tell you what I do hear, what I do know. I know a vast sea of tiny
beings like me, sisters, some bigger, some smaller, all terrified though some
pretend not to be. We tread water together. I hear their cries, I hear their
longing and broken hearts. I hear their death dirge when they finally give up
trying to tread water and sink under to drown.
Despair and trying to die are bad enough, God. But now, as I begin to swim,
now as I feel life returning to my limbs and begin to hope that I might live, I
see the sharks beneath the water.
They have been there all along... sharks swimming circles around us, greedy,
hungry sharks. We didn't see them, we didn't know they were there! Some
of them wear your badge, some of them even claim to be devoted to the Will
and healing. Are these the Knights and Emissaries and Missionaries that YOU
sent here? I am so enraged, now that I have become awake enough to see
what prey we are!! I WANT THIS TO STOP!!!
They guru, they power over, they claim to know what is best for us. They
seduce us with lures of love. And what is worse, God, is they believe they
are still doing your will. What they are doing is collecting us. Eating us.
Collecting and eating bits of Will, bits of fragments of the Mother.
STOP EATING US!!!
I want these sharks gone. I want them off the planet! How can we heal when
we are being eaten?!?
I dreamed the other night, I dreamed I stood on the rim of the world and
watched as souls were born into bodies. At the gateway stood guards. I
watched as my sisters approached the gate and as they passed through, the
guards whispered in their ears and pressed down on them and shamed them
and made them feel guilty. Stay open, was the guilty message they gave. It is
unloving to be closed, stay open.
Do you see? We are being born without boundaries. We accepted guilt's
whisperings, we have great gaping holes in our sense of self, in our knowing
of who we are and what we feel and our ability to resist the influence of
others. We remain open and vulnerable to unloving light, and we have almost
no ability to discern what is loving or unloving light. We are easy prey.
You say we must be careful not to open and let in unloving light, be cautious.
HA. I am telling you, without boundaries, guilt keeps us open from day one,
and we cannot be cautious, we cannot discern, we cannot protect ourselves. I
AM SO ANGRY ABOUT THIS!!
I was born like this, I came into this world in this life with damaged
boundaries. I wanted to say it was because of the sexual abuse I suffered at
the age of two, or the alcoholic storms in our house, or the violence. But the
truth is, I had no boundaries at birth, guilt made me a feather in the wind, a
wishywashy person, easy prey to both guru and dominating lover.
I have fought long and hard to find my sense of self. I have cried oceans and
oceans of tears. And I am ENRAGED that my sisters all around me lose
these battles every day. Every day I see more fall under the spells of these
guru-types, with their seductive ways and their promise of love and
I am so afraid you won't hear me. I am so afraid you will say that it is all our
own responsibility. That we must own being both eater and the eaten. I don't
know why I'm trying this, one more time, I feel compelled by grief and
longing and terror. And rage.
STOP EATING US!!!
I want the sharks gone. I want the Guilt Guards removed from the birth
gateways. I want these so-called missionaries to go "save" somebody else. I
want all my sisters to get rip roaring PISSED. What will it take to kick these
rat bastards OFF the planet?