cyQuest
searching for wholeness
searching for wholeness
| Links | FAQ | What's New | Site Map |
Miscellaneous Musings
cyQuest searching for wholeness |
|
| Links | FAQ | What's New | Site Map | Miscellaneous Musings | |
|
|
10/16/02 It is so frikken hard to move this stuff when it's not being received, when there are so many people out there with judgments about how it should move, how it should already be healed, what it should be doing... or not doing. I have so much rage about this!!!! But my rage isn't accepted either, so I feel like it's pointless. I'm trying to roll a huge boulder up a very steep hill. Everybody's got an opinion on it, and nobody seems to be willing to sit down and shut up and listen. Including God. And apparently it's a very volatile subject, because it sure gets everybody else hepped up. It's apparently not just me and my own little victim stuff. My rage would like to push all this "advice" back to the bleachers. I would like to make all the people who think they know so much about victim's problems and solutions just back the fuck off. Go sit over there. Sit down and shut up for a while. Quit thinking you know so very much. Leave the floor empty for a while of all your words and judgments and hold the space open for those who are IN it to move and tell you what they feel and what they've experienced, and how REAL their helplessness is. Do you know how impossible you make it for any real healing to happen when you have no real acceptance for what needs to be felt here? It makes me wonder if you are at all in touch with your own feelings of helplessness. Or is that all fragmented out of you? Is it all in the people you hate and scorn? Am I holding your victim-ness for you? Does it occur to you that victims CAN'T move out of their space of helplessness until you give acceptance to those feelings? So far all I've heard from most people is stuff that sounds like spirit advice from the outside looking in. Or down. There is a whole lot of spiritual wisdom out there that doesn't work at all for the Will & Body parts that are stuck in these places. There's already been enough talk about how we are the perpetrator *and* the victim ... and we create our own reality ... and blah blah blah blah. There's already been enough advice from spiritual teachers telling Will and Body how to just choose to be different, "get better", let go, rise up, (get over it), etc. etc. etc. It doesn't help. It doesn't heal. You're saying those words from outside the pattern, from outside the pain. You're not IN HERE feeling it and knowing it and you have no idea how hard it is. One woman I know says she would have her rage just whop the stupid victim upside the head and get her moving out of there. How incredibly stupid and heartless. If that worked, it would have worked already!!! The YIN people have had their own YANG parts turned against them for too long. Rage and yang parts need to shut up and sit down and listen. They need to move their rage at the victim parts, yes, but not in their faces, and not from a position of dominance or power or judgment. That only reinforces the victimhood and makes the victim parts less able to trust rage. After all, they know the judgments lurk inside the rage. They can feel that rage has little to no acceptance for their feelings. Why should they trust that rage? Except of course, for the little parts that want to run to rage, hoping she will protect them. Save them. Pick them up and carry them out of the danger. And for a while rage did that, still does that in places. In me, I feel my protective rage wanting to do that. BUT IT DOESN'T HEAL ANYTHING. I've cried a lot of that protective rage, having it recently really active on forums. And underneath all the rage I've cried AT the perpetrators, and at the victim who won't get up and help herself, is a feeling of ... guess what? HELPLESSNESS. Underneath all that righteousness is the feeling that nothing I do can help the victim parts. Nothing I do can save them. Rage thinks it is so powerful. Rage thought it could save the other parts of the mother. Rage was so SURE of it. But when the blasting started, and the torturing started, it turned out that rage's blasting back only made things worse. Not able to face her own failures, rage blamed her failure on the victim. "It's her fault. SHE refused to really accept my help, that's why it didn't work. SHE didn't believe enough in me. She must like it there, stupid cow." And so, rage never faces her own helplessness or fear. She stays in a position above and better than. She looks down on poor victim and says "I know *I* would never get into those situations, if I was born in that life *I* would rise up and strike back and demand respect. It's her own fault she dies in the mud again and again." This is basically the same as the spirit polar point of view. Mother's own yang parts have aligned with spirit's judgments here. The dominant belief is that the victim should somehow be able to become parental to their own helplessness and pull themselves up by their bootstraps and become... UN victims. And they're supposed to do this with a bunch of people standing watching from the sidelines. Some in the crowd are ridiculing and scorning. Some are sarcastic - "whiny, whine, stop your whining" - and some are just aloof and judging. Some are filled with "you ought to" and "you should just" and "why can't you see that..." and all kinds of other UNhelpful suggestions. Some are quick to point out the pattern and how it is acting out. And any expression of "ow that hurts" can sound like whining and part of the pattern, so gee, there's not many directions the victim can move without being accused of "playing victim". I'm not saying the victim pattern is pretty. It's not. I see it in myself how it acts out and yes, it does whine, and yes it does throw itself to the ground in hopes that the blows and kicks won't come. And yes, it holds a lot of anger that feels finally justified and is finally able to come out when the beating is done. This pain/rage is so compressed and judged and held back, that's the only way it CAN come out. None of this is understood or accepted by spirit, from the outside. It's bad enough that God and the Angels and the Ancient Ones, and all the variety of ET's and Heart/Jesus and a wide variety of other spirit polar know-better-than's hold these judgments against the victim. It's bad enough that FoM/Body holds the same judgments. But when Mother's own rage joins her voice with this massive judgmental force and hammers away on the victim, that is the ultimate unfairness. The only way to heal the victim pattern is to accept that it IS a pattern, and that it IS held in place by REAL feelings of helplessness, and all those feelings of helplessness and terror and rage need to be cried - all the way through - in order for the pattern to be broken. You can't beat on a pattern and expect it to change, especially not this particular pattern. You beat on this pattern and all you get is more victim stuff being reinforced underneath. You'd think spirit folks would understand that by now, but maybe they have some investment in keeping the victim pattern going too. After all, if the victim healed herself, she'd probably find that a lot of her helplessness feelings really belong to spirit, and she'll start giving back that terror to the people it really belongs to and then, god, all hell will break loose. ****** I believe some things have shifted for me that have allowed my victim parts to come forward finally and start healing. One sign is that the level of perpetrations in my life have subsided. I give a lot of credit for that to the crying I've done all these years. But I also give credit to God for helping me some. I am finding more acceptance in myself for how I feel, in my victim parts. And that has taken some doing, and some time, and is still an ongoing thing. Sure I still have rage to move at my own victim parts. But I have a lot more acceptance for them in myself than I see happening anywhere OUT THERE. Another sign is the revelation - the feeling of the magic - that happens when I GET these little parts with me and cried through and healed. And in the process, I am also healing with my own yang parts. I cry back and forth, yin to yang to yin again, and little by little, they are coming to like each other and work together. It is literally a reclaiming of my own power. Inch by inch. And it has given me the sensation, the actual physical sensation of ... being MORE. Becoming more... solid, more powerful. I believe now that the only way for all my victim essence to really be ok is to fully heal through all their pain in a space of complete acceptance for all their helplessness, and that together we will be able to reclaim our true power and will never ever be victims again. |
