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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation
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MotherHome
MotherHome
Some MotherHeart Essence Returns
2/26/02
(This is a followup to the Witch Hunt memories.)
I celebrate the return of these little fragments,
and vow and promise NEVER to judge them or condemn them again.
I will do my absolute best to give them protection and keep us all from harm.
Little deliciousness, I have missed you so.
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I was so afraid, out of my mind with terror. I knew the pain was coming, anticipating the red hot iron again was more than I could bear. And when he came to offer us comfort, I ran. I ran to him ... and away from danger, pain, rage, and sin.

He spoke to us with soft voice and gentle words. He offered heaven, if we would only give over our will to God. But more than the religious words, to me he offered love. My heart leapt in response to his gentleness, I ran to his breast and hid there. And there I have been all this long while. Silent. Longing. Hoping.
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I was crying the memories of the witch hunt, the memories of the powerful man who had been one of the priests, and who in this life I was triggering so mightily. I felt his hatred flowing toward me like a clenched fist, hated for the Mother, for all "uncontrollable" and "wrong" Will/Soul essence. His hatred acted like a vise, clamping down on the essence he didn't know was hiding within him. And then suddenly, this new part came to me. She came in crying "Shelter me, shelter me!" For a long while, that's all she would cry. "He's going to come after me, he'll find me!" She was in terror, but when she looked around and saw where she was (with me) she grew even more terrified. She didn't want to be here, she didn't trust me, she didn't want to be associated with me or Mother or Will. But then came waves and waves of grief and heart break. "I have nowhere else to go," she cried. "I can't pretend anymore that he loves me. It's time to die..."

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All I wanted was for him to love me. Let me hide here... away... invisible.

I would have done anything for him. I would have given to him from the banquet of my love. I would have laid a feast before him and nourished him with delicious things from my heart. I feel myself now, here, as something delicious, yummy, sensuous flavorful love. Which he wouldn't partake of. Which he did his best to silence, stop, contain.

Nothing of me was good enough. I was always not right. Change me, mold me, modify, restructure, restrict, contain, constrain...

Breath of ice... you froze my banquet.

Do you hate this feast? Is it wrong, my love for you?

I would have done anything! My loyalty would have been unquestioning and unending, if you had given me one kind word, one soft touch.

But no, never would you partake of my love.

How did you feel me there, inside you? Did I feel like self-love to you? Or did I feel like sensuality to be avoided? How do you feel there now, inside you, without me there? Are you glad to be rid of me? One less impulse to control. One less desire to contain.

I only wanted you to love me. I tried so hard to be what you wanted. I tried so hard. I love you so much!! I would have heeled and begged and laid at your feet, I would have been so glad to feed you from my banquet of love. Ah, my desire, my need, all at one with my love. Yes, if you had allowed it, if you had accepted me, I would have wrapped you in a feast of sensuous love.

I failed.
I failed.
I tried to sleep within your breast. You were happiest when I wasn't stirring. And I could almost dream it true, that you loved me and held me there with tenderness.

But then I woke again, with a final start and shock. What woke me, I don't know. But the walls of my chamber were growing colder and harder, gripping tighter and tighter in a freezing vise I COULD NOT BEAR!

The shock of the truth, the feeling of those hard cold walls, the hatred coursing through your veins!

I knew the truth finally. You hated me. The truth spewed like vomit from my throat. Undeniable, constricting, cold, hard, NON-accepting.

Where was the tenderness? Where was the love? Was it ever real? Was it ever there? Was it only a facade to gain my compliance?

I HATE YOU!!!!!

I broke within you, and finally broke free of you.

And here I am now, crying this useless grief for lost love, for the lie of love, for dead hope. The tears burn my eyes and cheeks, I wish I could stop, I wish I could just die.
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And so she came home, after all this long while. She comes in in waves, or maybe it's that she herself fragmented so many times, that I'm pulling her in in bits, like beads on a string. I welcome her, in all her pain and grief and terror. She fears me still, sometimes. She doesn't know who to trust, and she's sure I will lead us to torture again. After all, I am the sin that brought us to that witchy end, that caused her to flee and fragment away. But it is as she said, she had nowhere else to go. She had to come home. But she can't find a reason to live or try, so she just stays in my arms, resting in my breast, and cries and cries and cries.

And I ... oh what sweetness and relief I feel to have her with me again. I did not know, maybe it's not possible to know where the emptiness is inside. A missing part is sometimes not something you feel or are aware of. I didn't know how much of my luscious heart was missing! How can you know when it's something you just don't feel. And so you think... well, I must not feel love like other people do. I must not have the ability to love like that. Or ... maybe all those flowery words of love are just made up feelings, maybe it's not anything real. But now that she's here, inside me, warm and aching and hurt and frightened and still and all... full to bursting with love ... now I KNOW. Now I KNOW what I was missing.


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