HEALING AND DEALING ARTICLES
Love, Family, & Other Things
The Art Of Loving Touch
Every mammal needs loving touch or it cannot thrive. We watch cats, dogs
and horses nuzzling and licking each other, curling up together, and we feel
warm'n'fuzzy. How about two humans lovingly nuzzling each other... in plain
view... in a non-sexual friendship? Well! Witnessing that, sometimes we feel a bit
queasy and uneasy.
Notice the strictures around human beings touching each other, and it's no
wonder so many of us are touch-starved... even in committed relationships. It's
not "okay" for non-mated friends to walk arm in arm down the street in western
hemisphere towns and cities (even some islands!), especially same-sex friends.
It's not acceptable to stroke a friend lovingly, even in private (unless the friends
are in sexual relationship). A cross-gendered pair of friends are not encouraged to
touch each other without a sexual agenda; moreover, we tend to presume such an
agenda. These possibilities of loving human interaction are not taught in school,
seen on TV or appropriately modelled by many parents or adults.
Societal morality has steered us away from healthy, loving, needful
touch.War is in part caused by people who did not get touched enough as babies
and children, who grow up to be adults continuing to receive little or no loving
touch, and who act out that denial of touch by hitting, striking, shooting or
bombing "the enemy". Ever notice how much easier it is to fight with a loved one
when you are standing at a distance? If we are touching, attack comes much less
The idea of separation is encoded into our very DNA. Many of us seek to
restore a sense of oneness with all people, but the road towards seeing everyone
else as "like me" rather than "different than me" is long, because we are dealing
with genetic imprinting, which is reversible only after significant healing and
dealing. Loving touch (even from oneself) that doesn't include intent to sexually
arouse "feeds" body a crucial nutrient, and helps adults heal from the wounds of
separation and attack, including sexual violation.
If you don't have friends with whom you can share appropriate loving
touch, you can give yourself healing touch in the bath, upon awakening, or before
sleep. Lightly stroke and/or gently squeeze feet, legs, pelvis, arms, torso, face and
hair. Slow movement deepens the experience. Avoid deliberately attempting
sexual arousal. Notice distracting thoughts that arise, without giving them too
much attention, release any judgments you notice, and return your attention to
the sensation and your breath. If any emotions swim up, feel and express them as
fully as possible; these come with the territory. Most bodies have a lot of touch-
starved years to recover from.
If you do have a friend, healing partner, lover or "touch group" to try this
with, set a clear verbal intention in advance to revere and honour one another.
This will help build trust and depth. With backs supported, sit facing each other
on the floor, set a rough time limit, and take turns touching and stroking, moving
slowly and respectfully down the body. Really breathe in the offering from your
partner (most of us find receiving more challenging than giving). Avoid simply
massaging, and see if you can take the risk of gentle, stroking touch.
If you have children, especially newborns and toddlers under a year old, I
highly recommend "contact parenting" for as many months into your child's life
as possible. Jean Liedloff's "The Continuum Concept" and Ashley Montague's
"Touching" are must-reads regarding the health and wellness benefits of high
levels of loving touch for young children.
I am currently working on expanding these articles into a book, which I would prefer to self-publish for many reasons. If the material resonates for you and you would like to support its birthing process by making a donation to help cover publishing expenses, ask questions, make a
comment or simply get on the mailing list, please contact me at email@example.com. Donations can be made to that address via StormPay, or to IntGold ID 12022. Thanks for reading!
Peter Cloud Panjoyah, British Columbia, May 2004
All material copyright 1997-2004 Panjoyah