HEALING AND DEALING ARTICLES
Love, Family, & Other Things
Healing within the context of a relationship is maybe the hardest piece of
the work we could ever do. So many of us want a good, solid, committed, yummy
relationship, but the road to a time-tested, work- in-progress pairing is littered
with casualties. We seem to make the same mistakes, and get drawn into the
same patterns of behavior, reactivity, and reversal so often that it's amazing that
we keep pursuing relationship.
How does it come to this? After all, it's so incredible in the beginning for
most of us; the famous "honeymoon phase". Why can't it be like that forever?
This part of any relationship marks the halcyon days often used as a yardstick
against fearful, guilty, angry and sad realities that precipitate into being as many
a relationship wears on. It's not necessarily that we are projecting perfection in
the beginning, overlooking all the bad stuff, although that may be present too.
It's just that in the very beginning, we haven't hit the gap yet.
And what is the gap, you might ask? As we ascend to the heights of the
honeymoon stage, we also cut deeper, in exact measure. We grow in all ways
within a relationship, separately and together; the energy literally gets bigger.
This energy pushes on all the unhealed places within ourselves and our partner,
and "the gap" is the container for all of what we had previously pushed away. The
gap is another word for splits or holes in our energy field, and into those
subconscious gaps go everything we haven't dealt with or integrated into our
conscious acceptance. The gap is always lurking within us, until we are
completely healed, and it can't be avoided when growing interpersonal
connections reach a critical mass. The gap is within us as individuals and between
us as couples.
Different people handle hitting the gap in different ways. Some of us act
out, engaging in addictive behaviours of escape. Some of us resort to blaming our
partner as a way out of taking responsibility for our part. At our best, we can
learn to recognize and apply the understanding that our partner is our mirror,
showing us something we cannot yet see or accept about ourselves, and we seek
in our healing intent amidst the emotional turmoil to find our role or
responsibility in the situation.
When I feel victimized, I need to ask myself, what subconscious or gapped
part of me is drawing this reflection to the light of day? Our gapped energies draw
situations to ourselves that can be triggers for balancing those energies. One of
the hardest aspects of a given gap between lovers is recognizing the interlocking
and meshing patterns that are enacted between the two. They are often complex
and disguised, completely non-obvious, especially when strong feelings are being
stirred into life. I prefer to feel, and express, whatever it is I feel, in a safe and
responsible way, and then look at what my role is – because most often the
understanding isn't available until after the emotions stirred are resolved. If I try
to figure it out either in my own brain first or in charged dialogue with my
partner during the emotional activation phase of the gap, I don't get very far.
Why do we keep going toward finding functional relationship? Perhaps it is
the potential of self-awareness and the desire to apply it, live it, and return to a
deeper phase of the honeymoon stage, to match the original dreams and visions
of a match made in the heaven of our hearts.
I am currently working on expanding these articles into a book, which I would prefer to self-publish for many reasons. If the material resonates for you and you would like to support its birthing process by making a donation to help cover publishing expenses, ask questions, make a
comment or simply get on the mailing list, please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Donations can be made to that address via StormPay, or to IntGold ID 12022. Thanks for reading!
Peter Cloud Panjoyah, British Columbia, May 2004
All material copyright 1997-2004 Panjoyah