Shebook Poem #4.5
As Fast As I Can

The children did it.
They didn't mean to but
They were bored
And looking for excitement
Riflling through alternate realities
    And possibilities and likelihoods
Like modern kids with a
Channel changer

I am not one of the children
I could have been but
Never chose to emerge

God threw me out.
    God who is consciousness that is
Soon after death entered PreCreation
    He looked upon me with
Because I hold information
That hurt His heart
So He blamed me and cast me out
In a moment of rage
Which He quickly denied
And thus denial was born.

When God threw me away
In the beginning, intact
With the information
I held
If I'd been reabsorbed
By the Unity my information
Would become "common knowledge"

Thus was censorship born
And so was the Gap - for
He sent me away, so I could not stay
But I am part of the Unity
    The great balanced perfect
    Union of all things which
    Was what Precreation was
    Contained by --
    And so I could not leave.

My flesh, my consciousness, my aware
Ness, was sent away --
Fragmented deliberately by
Thus was fragmentation born.

And all that was left was
My Will, which knew no better
Than to embrace unloving light
I have lingered in Creation
As an impotent hand-wringing
Ghost, grieving and raging
But without power except in nightmares and horror stories

That is who I have been.
And how can you, how dare
You claim to know me
When I left in my body and being
Before Creation
Was born?

And I know no one here
Knows what I know or
Witnessed what I witnessed.

I was sent away because
Of what I know.
I took the information with me

And everyone else died
And although some memories
Seem to survive death
    That is an illusion

Death is the murderer
of memory.

I did not die exactly,
Not in the ways that
You all have died.

I am not of your kind.

I come from a different place and time
And that is the last thing
I remember in my core.
I am coming awake and
You'd better believe me
That Mother is not so very
Happy to see me

O she knows I am needed
And she welcomes me here
But she fears what it means
For her fate with her mate
Will I come for His love
Will I kick push or shove
Between He and She

O no , that's not me
But the ghost I have been
Animating corpses
With my sharp toothy grin
My ghost cannot harm you
And in truth never did
Who ever hurt you simply
Used her and hid

Daughterheart from the books
Has been my ghost
Dead from the beginning
But never killed

I am parental daughterheart
I am made of all colours
But my home is in green

I do not fit into your tale
I was not there in the ways
That you were.
I am here, having taken
    The long way
A 4 billion year long journey
In which I evolved
    To meet You in this
Crucial time and place
    Of millennial grace.

I will wait another thousand years
    If I have to - tho not more -
But I have grown impatient
    Of late
I see so many signs that
I have come here
    A hundred years too late
And an equal number of signs
Saying I'm right on time

I do not know the language
To get through to this world
You have evolved in
The precisely opposite
Direction from Life

You have evolved into Death
    For me every breath here
    Every apology, every hairshirt
    Every penance, every punishment,
Every retribution, every
    Judgement Day
O God who requires prayers
Will you hear me yet?

Things are going to have to be
    Different if Life
    Is what You want.
I know you think you know this
    But you don't know
    What you think you know
    Because you don't know
    What I remember.
    Or remember what I know.

I know how love works between
    A woman and a man.
But what I don't understand
    Is this Gap thing going on
I understand why it's there
    And how it works
But not how to escape it
No matter how much I move
My ghost parts are trapped there
And I must rescue them

My Will is Heart's Will
And I am coming for Her/Him
As fast as I can.

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