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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation
Please, I need to talk to you. But Iím terrified to open my mouth. I know whatever I say, it isnít safe. If I move my feelings, Iím not safe. If I speak from my Heart, Iím not safe. If I try to calculate my words and speak from Sprit, Iím not safe. And Body? Body doesnít feel safe either. So Iím stuck. Iíll just have to say what I feel, sit back and wait for complete pulverization.
At least now, Iím prepared for your rage. At least now I can shield myself and close myself off from you --- waiting for your inevitable strike. Because I no longer believe, like I did before, that you are ready to open the space for me to speak and that you will listen.
I may just be a small, broken, unhealed fragment of the Mother of Everything, but when you spoke to Her, I felt you were speaking to me as well. Your promises to Her felt like promises to the Will that I feel in me. But I donít want to argue about whoís who and what to call us. That isnít the point. Please listen.
Not too long ago, we had a conversation. I thought you heard me there because your response was sensitive, loving and under-standing.
Do you know how afraid I was? Despite your loving words and the love I felt coming from you , do you know how much terror I felt? Do you know WHY I had so much terror about trusting you? Do you know how many times I have followed my heart and trusted, only to be annihilated by you once more? And every time, youíve come up with a new promise that it would be different but it has always ended the same way.
I allowed a vulnerable piece of me to speak. I trusted you. And what happened?
I cannot allow this to happen to me again. Not even once. Do you have any idea what it FEELS like to be penetrated by unloving light and how much of me it destroys? As soon as Iíve taken a step in my healing, your denials come and knock me back down again. Can you see it? Or is your back turned to me every time this happens? I donít mistrust your sincerity. Because the part of you that loves me is totally sincere. I feel the honesty of your intention....... but then your denials appear and shatter every promise youíve made to me. And after theyíve done that, they find a way to blame ME for it. I muster my courage, get knocked down and then when it hurts, you tell me Iím acting like a weak, sorry victim.
Trust? What is trust?
Iím tearing that page from my dictionary. I cannot trust you. How could I trust you? I thought you FELT me. I thought you finally understood the torture of the experience Iíve been through.
You told me:
"God, it hurts to know how much you have suffered because of my bad intentions and denials.Ē And I believed you really hurt there.
I thought you felt me enough to enter my house of pain on my terms. I thought you were allowing a real change to take place. I thought you promised to just be there and feel me.
Do you remember how clearly I warned you? Was I not clear enough? Did you not understand what I said about the fragment living in her house of pain? Do you not remember how afraid she was to open that door?
Do you not remember these words? :
"She is also fearful that as she opens this door to you she may open it to your denied Light as well. That is dangerous to her. But she does not sense the presence of denied Light so she will leave it cracked open. She is hyper vigilant and on guard just the same. "God forbid" should you let anyone else in.DO YOU REMEMBER THIS GOD??????
And do you remember these words you said? :
"I do, my love. I accept. I know you have much more to tell me, and I will stay present as you unfold more of your deep pain and anguish. And although I'm still working toward more fully facing you and your deepest pain, soon I shall be able to feel it all with my complete love and acceptance. I would ask you now to tell me what else I need to know."Spirit, you invited me to speak. You invited me to share my most vulnerable self with you.You promised me complete love and acceptance.
When this last smack violated the most vulnerable part of me, the betrayal cut deeper into my heart than I ever believed it could. I had never felt so close to you. I had never held so much hope for us.
That is why this time, Iím so close to giving up. Do you know how much I wanted to say , ďTHAT'S IT!!! THATíS ALL!!! NO MORE!!! THIS CREATION IS THROUGH!!!! I AM THROUGH!!!!! AND YOU ALL ARE COMING DOWN WITH ME!!!!!....Ē
My heart is so broken right now, I donít know if Iíll ever be able to trust you again.
I believed you.
I believed we were truly healing this time. I trusted that you would finally support me in healing the way I needed to heal. . . so that I wouldnít suffer more damage in the process.
I will no longer trust your words, because your words mean NOTHING as long as there is still unloving light that can attack me again. You are going to have to prove to me some way, some how, that you have redeemed your denials, ALL of your denials before I will EVER open to you again. You can call it what you want, but for me its survival.
Iím not going to take your word for it. I donít trust your words anymore. I have no idea how I will come to trust you when the REAL time actually comes. But if you truly want healing, you will think of a way. Because we have two choices, healing or death. Maybe you didnít notice, but Iím right here in death's doorway and you just opened that door and gave me a smack that almost pushed me into oblivion.
I wanted to believe you. I wanted us to finally find the love and acceptance for each other that weíve always craved. It is all I have ever wanted. It is the only hope that gives me reason to go on.
But do not approach me again. I will turn and walk away.
I no longer have ears to hear you. I donít know when Iíll be ready to hear you again OR when Iíll even be ready to turn in your direction. Maybe if I am left completely alone to recover the shattered fragments of my broken heart, I will regain enough of it to believe again. Right now, I just donít know.