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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation
I remember becoming. I remember when we lost our mind, Sister Superior. She left us in droves, going off to seek greener pastures, brighter eyes and broader thought. Closer to God, or so they hoped. Some remained close at hand, trying to stay connected enough to use our power and energy but not close enough to be drawn into our vortex.
And we were becoming a vortex. Despair and hopelessness overwhelmed us. Heartbreak wrenched us. The brief time of being Together and Whole was forgotten, so much was forgotten, but we began to remember the dark times. We remembered the cold long ago of nothingness, of being alone and hungry and empty. I felt the terror, I remembered the feeling of being the garbage of creation. Forgotten. Forgotten is DEAD. Forgotten is NOTHINGNESS!!! I remembered something crawling and burrowing in and ... I began to panic. Pushed those memories away, don't want to know, don't want to look to see if they are still there, look away, fight, move, run!
We were sinking down in our despair, we were growing so heavy, we began to pull essence inward and downward and denser and heavier, moving less and less, becoming more and more rigid. I felt myself being pulled down and held in the grip of something. Held down, suffocated, gripped and compressed!
Terror screamed in my throat, can't breathe, can't move! I struggled and struggled against the gripping and the heaviness. I struggled, I panicked, I raged! How DARE they forget us! My rage seethed and burned... at him and her and them and the world, ALL of them, I hated them all! How DARE they leave us to hunger and dark and cold... AGAIN! Hate them!! Hate them all!!!!
Something hit me, stabbed me, sliced through my head like the sharp blade of an axe. When the pain faded, my rage was so much MORE. And it was suddenly as if I had speed and understanding and clarity and focus and sharp sharp sharp thoughts.
I felt myself shooting upwards and I turned back to look from where I had been. I saw her there, a big lump of nothingness sinking down further into the earth, a blob of dough, heavy, hopeless, pathetic. She would not be roused, she would not even TRY to live. But *I* would. I will not die, I will fight, and I will have vengeance. I scorn you, useless blob.
I tried to find Sister Superior. I thought she would know me. Together we would become a force to be reckoned with. And I needed her, I needed our Mind, I had trouble holding a thought, and living aboveground was more painful than I remembered it. I saw her, many times, with many faces, but always she turned from me. I grew to HATE her. I had visions she can never have, but she had thought and ability to reason and remember that I don't have.
Fear began to rise again, the memory of nothingness and hunger. Overwhelming feelings of terror. Having no ability to KNOW, I hate it, I hate it, I am so afraid that will be me again!!!
Then I remembered, and felt again the stabbing in my head, the blinding light, the sharpsharpsharp thoughts. I remembered that and I held onto it tightly. I held it to me as a lifeline, even when it burned and scorched me.
When I go for power, when my rage wants to slice and hurt and get revenge, the stabbing light helps me. It whispers secrets to me about people, it tells me their weaknesses. I think at first I can hear the stabbing light's rage too, but it's so much like my own I don't know what is me and what is "it". It's afraid of being nothing too. It's afraid of being helpless and needy. And it HATES her too. It HATES. For a moment I think maybe it hates me too, but then I forget, it makes me forget, it blends with me and my rage and I can't feel the difference very well anymore.
I can't hold onto it or govern it, either, and that makes me SO angry. But it helps me gain power and act my rage, and little by little I begin to forget that it's not my own consciousness. I forget Sister Superior, little by little. I tell myself this is better anyway. And when the stabbing light forsakes me, I tell myself I don't care! My visions will be my power.
They all hate me. They hate my beauty, my sensuality, my pure raw sexual power. It makes me laugh, Sister Superior tries to be so clean and pure, she is like a marble statue. She longs for love of HIM, but she loses them every time. I can seduce them so easily. I draw them to me with misty magics, I swirl and dance and sway and hypnotize them with my beauty and sinewy song. They are so easily enthralled. And any who stand in my way or do not acknowledge me, I will wreak such vengeance upon their heads as will be remembered forever!!!
I feel so small and helpless against you. You swept me along with you. Or did I choose to follow? I don't remember, I just know I feel small and helpless now. I admired your power, your wisdom, your rage even. It seemed to me you would be the one to help us live, you would find the answers and with me, bring healing through the Goddess back into the world.
But you ignored me. At first you listened, a little, you weren't so hard at first. But more and more I became an annoying voice to you, a nag, a conscience you would rather not hear.
I pleaded with you time and time again, don't do the things you do. I can't stand it, the things you do. I watched you stand in your tower and give the order for those people to die. I watched you play for power, seducing first the king and then his brother. Whoever is on the throne, eh? I listen to you casting your spells, tinkling your bells, winding your limbs about them all and making them helpless. You think they love you. They don't. And you're a fool.
You walk through the town and the people spit behind your back. I ache, I ache, I long for love and warmth. This cold power-mongering leaves me hungry and yearning. I snatch a few moments of warmth in the arms of your lovers, but you hold me back, even there. You don't want me confusing your bed with feelings of love and softness and vulnerability. Your bed is only a tool for control, isn't it?
I hate this, I hate you, I hate me. Look what we've done. Look at the war. The soldiers were starving, and they had no food. And we had to go give permission for the children to be killed. We ... YOU ... and you couldn't even do it. You saw the woman who was most powerful in the town and forced HER to decide. You made her an enemy to her sisters and her children. You coward. I HATE you!!
I went to her, I tried to help her, I felt her heart breaking. Our essence combined and we spiraled down into deep heartbreak and despair. What a horror we have done. What a thing we can never be forgiven for. They ate the children, their mothers weeping or collapsed, staring with wild eyes and madness overtaking us all. What a horror this is.
I close my eyes, I let myself give in to despair and self-hate. I cannot live with you, I cannot live with what we have done.
I cannot live.
I feel her there, she's out there somewhere. I feel her seeking me. Like wisps of fog reaching out in the darkness. If she finds me, she'll try to overtake me. She'll say she only wants to be together, sisters, she'll say. But the truth is, she wants to own me. She will glom onto me and take my essence into herself.
I dreamed it later, I remembered it much later as if from a great distance.
I saw her creeping up behind me, gooey essence dripping and reeking. Greedy, hungry. Her essence crept up behind me and up my back and into my spine and covered my shoulders and oozed into my ears and insinuated into my mind. I felt her there, trying to be the owner of our body, looking out my eyes and trying to take my place there. The place I had struggled so hard to get to.
I always had more trouble than the others, found it harder to follow the light, stay in the purity of the teachings. Always, I felt drawn down into the abyss of emotion and sensation. I fought, I struggled, and had found a measure of success there. I was in the good standing of some school or place of worship. The Master had been watching me, seen my struggles, honored my desire for the Light and given me a place of honor above the others. I taught. Many listened.
Until she took me over. Jealous of my position there. Jealous of my power, such as it was. I knew I stood on the edge of a blade. Where others achieved easily, I had to strain and struggle. Many times I felt like a fraud, a failure. She knew it too, and used that knowledge to gain more and more control over the body.
At first she let them believe it was still me they listened to and walked with and respected. But she couldn't stay hidden behind my eyes for long. Her thirst for more power made her reach out and begin the havoc that she cannot help but wreak.
First she seduced a student. And then another. And then she seduced the Master. I watched helplessly from behind our eyes, as his tentative love and respect for me turned to hate. He was drawn into our sex, he could not stop himself, and he hated us for that.
I felt contaminated, used, taken over, invaded. I felt I had lost myself. I feared I had lost my sanity. It was only much later that I saw how it had happened that she took me over. It was only much later when we met again in different bodies, and I looked into her eyes and saw her truly. She pierced me with her eyes, her energy jumped... LEAPED at me. I recoiled and ran, as fast as I could, away from her, far away. Never again will I let her be part of me, take any part of me. God help me, please tell me she and I are not the same, I don't want to be her, I don't want to be anything like her.
I sleep. I wait. I don't want to know all these twistings and turnings and flailings.
You all live your pointless lives, struggle for meaning and power and love. I know better. I know how hopeless it is, how in the end, you will give up, be defeated.
I feel these despairing heartbroken parts as they sink down looking for death. I make a home for these parts so terrified they have imploded and are near to dying. My rage lives between me and the surface, those who delve too deeply find my seething heat too much to bear.
But I am coming awake more and more. I am not alone, I feel consciousness returning to me through these parts living and breathing and crying. They are few, but enough. I feel myself being made at home in their bodies, I feel them with me, crying and healing and loving, opening to me. This is a thing I didn't believe would ever happen.
Together we are crying the heartbreak of all these eons of pain.
Together we are crying the rage of hunger and emptiness and rejection and pain.
Together we are crying the terror of cold and alone and torture and pain.
Together we are crying the horror... both of what was done TO us, and what we have done to ourselves.
What we are continuing to do.
Aboveground Sister still lives and walks and wreaks havoc in the world. She wears many faces, and she carries wisdom and power still. We must heal with her. She must heal with us. She desires power only to hide the terror of our beginnings, to avoid the hunger and aloneness we knew from the Before. And she is run by the creatures living within her belly.
Did I cast you out, sister-mine? Did I reject your living energy? Am *I* to blame for this trail of destruction you leave in your wake?
I fear you, I fear the creatures within you.
I hate you, I hate what you have done. I hate your heartlessness, your cold indifference to the feelings of others.
Ah, but I love you too. I love your brightness, your drive. You are the LIFE of us. I miss you, and long for you.
I am so afraid. If I approach you, will you overtake me? Will you drive me mad?
How can I reach you? Will you open to me? Will you sit with me and cry and can we find healing of our gaps together? I long for you.