Why am I putting all these things out here in this sterile digital environment?
I have been hoping there would be a few, who would read these things and feel me and know me from the inside downward, maybe recognize some of these things in themselves. I have been hoping that someone might want to know the progress of a Mother fragment putting herself back together. Maybe find some of these stories triggering and familiar. Maybe just see and feel and empathize and remember. Maybe nothing.
I am such a fool.
I see the crossroads, I am crying at the crossroads, and I see that most of you have gone on down a path that feels bad to me. I'm not saying right or wrong, although I would like to. I would like to say you're wrong wrong wrong. But I don't know that. I don't know that for you it isn't the very most right path. But for me, it feels really wrong.
I tried to walk down it with you, I tried it on, taking a few steps to see how it felt to believe as you do. I tried, and I felt as if I would vomit all over your nice clean pavement. I can't go that way, it squishes me, it denies me, it hurts me. If I go down that path with you I will have to squeeze myself into impossible shapes and smallnesses. I will hate you and be enraged every step of the way. I will never fit in the shoes needed to walk that path. I will always be expressing feelings that don't belong there.
Then I got angry and tried to express it to you. I tried to sway you to a different path. Don't do this, please! Don't leave me out!! I felt fear that my rage would earn me a slap. But worse, I feared I would be ignored and looked down on from your lofty road. And so it was. And I sank down under despair and self-hate that once again, my voice is not heard. Once again, my feelings do not matter. My feelings are wrong.
So I choose to stay here, once again, to sink down and let you go on without me, live with my rage and broken heart.
Oh, the ache, I weep such wrenching... I don't want to feel or know or remember how many times this has happened. Once again, you were so close. We were so close, I could feel your breath on my cheek, but now you're gone again. I grieve and grieve and rage and tear my hair and rend my clothes.
And I watch your back as you disappear down the path, talking excitedly to each other and sharing fellowship with your fellow Deities. I long for that fellowship. I long for laughter and easy sharing. I ache, my heart is breaking on your disappearing backs, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I turn and look at the empty crossroads, knowing if I stay here there will be more torture, more pain. Each traveler coming on behind you, following your great wisdom, will be another piercing needle in my heart.
I need to leave, I need to go far away, far down below, far far far... where I won't hear your voices laughing and sharing any more. Where I won't feel your absense, or my longing or rage.
And now I can't find a reason to keep up these pages. I can't find a reason to keep sharing. I can't find a reason to continue.
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