Identity Thoughts
Part 2

These ruminations were brought about by some teachings that say that we, as human beings, represent all four aspects of god, or that we ARE all four aspects of god. This idea, though acceptable to me in a global, overview kind of way, has been used for bad purpose, IMO. It has been used to suppress the expression of various parts who have their identity and beingness in one order of spirit or another, or who have their identity and beingness as fragments of the Mothergod or Fathergod. It is this bad use and suppression that triggered the following...

I have fought hard to live this time. I have fought hard with my own parts. I have battled with my Lady underground who has wanted only death-sleep. I fight her, by crying her pain. I battle with her desire to die, by giving voice to her pain, and by promising that no matter what, I will not leave her. I will not leave her.

The parts that fragmented off from her when she decided to die, the parts that refused to sink down with her into the ground, the parts that went off in rage to fight and live and seek power and position... they are her desire to live. They are her rage at not being seen, not being recognized or valued for who she is. They are rage, driven by terror, and held captive by unloving light/denial spirits.

We are bringing these parts in as best we can. They resist, they don't want to come in and cry. They don't want to remember the primordial terror, and the identity terror/loss of consciousness/Self, and the darkdeath buried deep within us. They would rather act out in the world, doing power-overs and better-thans and guru-making and seductions and spell-weavings.

Little by little as I cry them, peeling back the layers of rage and terror, I feel myself relaxing. I feel myself filling out, filling in. We are integrating and becoming more whole... Me and the Sisters. Ghash, the belowground essence and all the Mother essence connected to her.

She says she is who she is, and she is no other. And she wants to be known as herself.

If in the end there is only she and I, then so be it. If I am completely and totally wrong, if the rest of you go on to some great Oneness without us, then so be it. She and I will remain here, alone, together.

[High drama, one hand to breast, one hand to forehead, exit, stage left...]

******

Fragmentation is so severe, and we are SO mixed up, I'm afraid we'll never be whole again. I am more and more aware of the connectedness of our essence, and through this connectedness, more and more aware of how severely fragmented and broken we are.

I understand not wanting to be boxed in or told who you are. I understand not wanting to be held in a position of blame, as one part or another. I have seen how some enraged Mother parts treat perceived DaughterHeart parts. I know that rage, I have felt it too, but NO ONE should be treated as your punching bag or scapegoat, no matter how you feel about them or who you perceive them to be. If you feel triggered by another in that way, and you feel them in that role, let yourself flow with the trigger. Let yourself cry the rage and hurt and terror. Once you have cried your side of it, you won't need to hold the other person frozen in that image or role any longer. And if they have frozen themselves in that role, you can help shift them out of it by your own movement. It will naturally follow. We shouldn't hold eachother in rigid roles that perpetuate blame and diminishment.

Even if the damage/injury is real.

Even if you - as a fragment of the Mother - hurt or left me - as another fragment of the Mother. We need to express our hurt and rage and terror with eachother if possible, but we must not hold eachother frozen in blame. If we continue to cry, we can keep from gapping with eachother again, and causing even more fragmentation. Through our tears we can find forgiveness for eachother.

I understand also, not wanting to be treated as smaller-than. Don't tell me I am a fragment of "yours", or that I feel like daughter to you -- you will only make me feel smaller-than. I will feel you trying to be bigger than me, diminish me, invalidate me, deny me. I don't want you to do that to me, and I don't want to do that to you. We must meet as equals around the sharing circle, without any one of us trying to be bigger-than or better-than or smarter-than.

We must be equals or it won't work.

******

There is essence of my "family", Mother essence, that is so small and frightened and unsure of her right place. I see her hiding within other people, I feel her cringing and turning from me. Have I frightened her in the past? Or is she just afraid to be identified with me? I have always been hated and tortured and killed and shunned. How can I blame her for not wanting to be identified with me? And yet, how can I ever become whole and healed without this essence? I cry and cry and call to her. My heart breaks and the tears are endless. I watch her suffering with the pull I give... some part of her is drawn to me, but then she turns abruptly and buries her face inside. Does she believe she belongs there? The person believes she belongs there. They say, "she is my Will", or "she is the Mother within me".

I am so enraged by this! Enraged and heartbroken, I weep and weep and weep and I cannot reach her.

And then I am made to feel wrong for wanting to reach her, for wanting to pull her out of there, back home to our family of essence. So, I am wrong to feel she is my sister, not mine to own, but mine to BE with. As equals. I love her, I love them, I want to feel whole again. I am wrong, then. I am wrong to want wholeness for myself. I am wrong to feel the ache of limbs severed and heart torn and want to bring these parts back to myself and heal them.

Self-hate gets stirred -- who the fuck do I think I am, saying I'm a Mother fragment? If I was as wonderful as you all, if I could see the big picture, I would know that I'm not any one thing. I must be holding onto the picture of myself as "this or that" for a reason. I must have an investment in being the Mother, and having that position, and that's wrong. Having an investment in ANY identity must be wrong. OOOooooo then there IS no right place, it should all be one big whole, one big happy wholeness, and no differentiation, no positions, no parts, no right places for the parts.

******

I have asked other Mother fragments how they feel about this dilemma. I had to get some other perspective. I was becoming seriously myopic.

One person responded with:

"The wholeness view is our long-term, end-range goal. It is our root desire to return to the One Primary Entity, at its core it is desire for pure love and an end to isolation. But the wholeness view isn't helpful to the Will, and Body, and all the fragmented essence/parts who are stuck here in the maze. You can't lift them out of the maze and point to wholeness and think that's going to just fix them. The parts in the maze have to slog all the way through to the end, including vibrating any and all emotion to its fullest degree, which will allow fragmented essence to return to its right home. Spirit can help by getting down in the maze with them, helping them along the way, not by trying to lift them up out of it, which is what spirit/heart has been trying to get will/body to do for ages. Or by melding together in ways that invalidate the true identity of the essences involved. "

Another friend had this to say:

"I feel outright like a Mother fragment. I haven't felt any other types of fragments. Maybe I'm simplistic. But it feels right. I feel that I carry Will around like some huge baggage...lots of denied and lost Will pieces that would be in the Mother because they were thrown out by others and had to go somewhere. I have Will of [my mate's] that I'm holding. I am a piece of the Mother as far as I am concerned. It just feels that way. I don't much care what others have to say about it. I find that too often, people get caught up in trying to stick to the books and follow it almost dogmatically. For me, it has been a way to get to my own truth, and I have learned and developed from there. I have had understandings that were triggered by a fact from one of the books but opened into some vast knowledge that I held within myself. After all, how can 8 measley little books hold all the truth? They are just a starting point.

I believe that we are 4 parts in the physical world because we had to come here to do this healing, so each part of God contributed. For example, there I was, a huge piece of Will, and I needed parts to be a solid, functioning form on earth that could heal, so Spirit gave me a piece of Spirit, and Body and Heart likewise, so that I could be as whole as possible. We can't do this healing unless we are here, because of the split. Here, at least, we have a chance, and I believe that this is the only way that God can heal."

******

I believe that eventually there will be a separating out of mixed-up essence and fragments/lost essence will drift naturally back to their "home" with their core "identity family". I don't believe that trying to let go of identity is any kind of answer. That's just a stopgap. It's a spirit polarized solution, trying to avoid the problem of mixed up essence and fragmentation.

All the more tempting, because it SEEMS so balanced, it SEEMS like it should be the answer. It appears to be such a loving solution. Why then does it FEEL so BAD?

It occurred to me today that the concept of bringing in all four parts of Deity balanced within each individual is the perfect solution for fragments of Spirit here on earth. I have seen so much blaming rage get hurled at Spirit polar men especially, on many different email lists and forums. They always seem to get the brunt of Mother's blaming rage acting out. I can see how the solution of BEing the Mother also, would appear to be the perfect solution to this problem, for them. How can Mother fragments continue to hurl blaming rage at a Spirit fragment who is really herself too? And how can she continue to blame/be a victim, when she herself is both victim AND perpetrator. So get off the blaming rage already, go inside and find your own responsibility.

Sounds so logical. Feels so wrong.

Crying is the key.
Vibrating the emotions, that's the only REAL answer.
Mother fragments caught in blaming rage and victimhood just need to get off the acting out / outward portion of their pattern, and get down to crying the pain. THEN it can really move and change and find forgivenes and regain power. But it's a catch 22 you have her in. You tell her she is both victim and perpetrator, she automatically judges her blaming rage as wrong then. How will she ever be able to get under the acting out and move it in tears if she can never find acceptance for it? She has to be able to own it, become it, get immersed in it. Not in a spiraling, acting out way, but getting down to the tears of it.

In the end, I believe there is only one real solution. Essence can cry and vibrate itself to its rightful home. Any other solution is halfway, invalidating, demeaning, denying. All essence deserves to be in its rightful place, and until that door is opened, much essence won't know that it's ok to go there.

Are you listening to me God?

What makes you think the answer for healing all this is going to come from Spirit?

******

I wonder if it's not just a matter of semantics that is causing all this trouble for me. Maybe when someone else speaks of "the Mother within", they are really speaking of their own Will/Emotional Body, and the connection their own Will has to the Mother. It doesn't necessarily mean they're saying they have one of the Mother's fragments inside them.

Or maybe it does. I don't know.

Maybe they are saying that ... it's a macrocosm/microcosm kind of thing. We are one cell of an entire being. One piece of a great big entity ... but like with cloning, as another friend said, every aspect of the original is contained within the cellular blueprint of one cell of that thing. So all aspects of the ONE, the Primary Entity, the Great Wholeness, are imprinted in us.

Funny, I can deal with that explanation just fine. It doesn't interfere with my feelings of identity/self at all.

I can see myself as both a human being, playing out a process that can only happen in this manifestation... and also see myself in my core identity as a fragment of the Mother.

In all the feelings and memories I have cried, I have never once cried a memory from the point of view of God. Or Lucifer, or the Father of Manifestation. I cried memories/pain from a part of Heart once, God's Heart. But even as I cried his pain and remembered his memories, I knew that he didn't belong with me as a part of me. I could feel the difference. He just had nowhere else to go. His own parental parts were either not crying or wouldn't accept him back.

I assume I can be a sort of outlet for other parts who don't necessarily belong with me, but have nowhere else to go where they will be accepted or allowed to cry. And that's ok, but I don't try to make them "mine". I assume at some point this part will go home to his right place.

The difference between what is ME and what is not, is in how it FEELS. How *I* FEEL. That is the only way to truly know anything.

I realize I've been fighting with air. This construct of "Wholeness" is built out of air. It means nothing. There's really no way to KNOW anything, without the dance of mind and emotions in balance. Mind alone can be fooled, tricked. Emotions alone can be tricked and misled, viewing things through the fog of old pain and imprinting, and easily swayed by false mind. Only when emotions vibrate and move can anything be felt as true or right. It will either feel good or not. Vibrating Will brings everything back to its right place, its true comfort zone, and that includes identity.

From where I sit now, it looks to me like the future will hold MORE and STRONGER sense of identity, not less. Folks with strong, healed Wills will be able to feel themselves and their connection to their own spirit, know who they are, know their point of origin and their current needs and desires, and be comfortable with that. Emotion and mind in balance, sense of self strenthened, not diminished or judged or forced to be anything other than what they want to be. No essence out of place or being used or hiding out of fear. No essence judging or boxing others in either, or requiring them to play a role.

But then again, this view of the future I have might change tomorrow. I will wait. To see how it FEELS. I'm content with that.