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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation
When I discovered Ghash underground ... that's when it was.
I finally remembered what jarred me awake and made me aware of who my engineer man really was.
When I cried so big and felt my three "helpers" urging me onward to find her (full story here), something about the way they were gathered around me, behind me... I knew the Raggedy Man was an aspect of Heart. I had felt the Gardener Man as an aspect of Spirit. But there he was with them, my engineer man, and the thought occurred to me that I needed the support of all 3 aspects of God to be able go down into the bowels of hell.
That finally caused the dots to connect, and I followed the dots down into my basement room, which by now was filled with plants and opaque glass light panels, and all kinds of doodads and thingamabobs that were unfamiliar to me, and I looked at him.. really looked at him.
I felt as if I was seeing him for the first time. My god he was beautiful. He was all the fantasy men I'd known or seen or desired, rolled up into one... hiding behind this facade of greasy servitude... dirty coveralls and shaggy hair, shuffling, tinkering with the machines and the lights and the room.
"You're the Father of Manifestation, aren't you?"
He didn't say anything. Nothing at all. I felt as if he was horrified that I had found out, and reluctant to say yes. How would this change our relationship? Would I be able to continue accepting his help?
I remember going into a state of shock so deep that I went away and couldn't go back to that inner place for a long time. I cried a lot. Terror. Longing. Memories of parts of FoM that I loved and missed. Memories of parts of FoM that I hated and feared. Lots and lots of terror.
And some of the terror was of my own feelings. I had become accustomed to his help, to his support. I had learned to trust his advice, but I never gave him my need or desire. And now... I didn't know if I could stop from having a need-desire-sexual-love response to him, now that I knew who he was. And a sexual relationship was absolutely out of the question -- and not just because this was all going on in my head (second attention sex can be very real though). It was a matter of trust. I have so much baggage... WE have so much baggage between us around sex... that if it came up between us and I started to have romantic-love type feelings for him, the helping relationship we had had so far would become hopelessly complicated and useless. Not to mention how insecure and stupid I would become. There's no way to avoid falling into my imprinting and patterns when I fall in love. And the thought of giving him my most vulnerable heart was mortally terrifying.
After a while, I went back inside... and I had some fear that he wouldn't be there. I looked around and found him there, hesitating, not sure if he should come forward.
It was his fear and hesitancy that won me over completely. This is not some rigid, perfect, angelic type being. This is a feeling being, with fears and weaknesses and realness.
I told him how I was feeling, how afraid I was, of him, of myself.
I could tell he didn't want to go to romantic feelings either, and in fact, he was more certain about it than I was. I had conflicting parts. Conflicting feelings. Part of me wanted him, wanted that love relationship, wanted to let it be something more. But many parts of me still hated and feared and distrusted him, and ... I could feel us coming to agreement together in a sort of puzzle-piece-locking kind of feeling ... the healing was the most important thing right now. And as fragile as the healing was, we needed to be very careful.
No, more than that... he seemed to know that HE needed to be very careful.
Part of me was disappointed, of course. I cried some feelings of rejection and loss of love. But in most of me, I was relieved. And I felt his promise, his commitment. Somehow the promise that he/we would keep sexuality and romance out of it made me trust him more, allowed me to open more of my feelings to him in new and deeper ways. It was for him that I wrote the Little Maybe. I still thought of him as my Engineer Man, and he still tinkers with the machinery in my head, and finds new ways to spin my chakras, or clear my aura of entities. But knowing that he is a piece of the Father of Manifestation has allowed me to bring some of my most wounded parts and feelings to him, and we have begun to find healing in the places that have never known anything but his hatred.
Part Three - Inching Toward Trust