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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation
I realize I've been on the path downward to her since 1998. |
It started with the death of two beloved pets, more than pets to me, they were my children. I spiraled downward into a sea of heartbreak and guilt. I cried despair and self-hate, believing myself to be the cause of the death/disease/destruction in the world. Somehow *I* had caused the tumors to grow in their little bodies, I was drawing death to me, I was the magnet that drew Lucifer and the serial killer and all the rest. Or, worse, the darkdeath clenched deep within me was the cause. Somehow *I* was generating death and disease. I pleaded with God to kill me, put me out of my misery, and let the suffering in the world end. What kind of sadist would let this go on? That he let me go on living one more day seemed the height of cruelty, not just to me but to all the children. How heartless was he?
I sank into a deep depression for months... that stretched into a year. Crying during that year was almost entirely these feelings of dark death, self-hate/blame and despair. By January of the next year I felt the clouds lift a little, but then I was plunged down again... in a new way.
I returned from a vacation with some new viral strain determined to kill me, and I lay in bed for 4 days, sure it was about to all end. I could hardly breathe. I couldn't smoke. And when the 4 days passed and I hadn't died, I realized I could just sort of keep... not smoking.
That opened a door to my body's consciousness in a new and startling way. [See the page on Body's Consciousness for more on that...] I became aware of how much 'she' had been influencing my addictions... probably acting in this subterrainean way for eons. Her agenda was death. If not immediate death then she sought something that would both lead us down the path to death, and provide her with some immediate sensation and temporary drowning of pain. Food, cigarettes, getting high, alcohol... Some of these things I had grown intolerant to over the years, or had tried to put a stop to out of sheer self-disgust... when I did that she would just turn to other things. I was pretty much down to food and cigarettes. And I had just cut out smoking from her repertoire.
She was so ENRAGED!!!
The first thing I felt was fear in my lungs, I couldn't breathe. I realized smoking had offered both she and I a solution. For her it was a quicky nicotine high and eventual death, for me it was a way to reassure myself that I WAS still alive. The compulsion/need for death was so strong in her that sometimes she would literally try to stop me from breathing. I could feel myself breathing when I smoked. I knew my lungs were still filling and emptying, therefore, my heart must still be beating.
After crying a lot of rage back and forth at eachother, and terror on both our parts, but then she sank down into a despair so intense it was almost like death itself. I followed her into the ground, where she showed me images of corpses and mummies and crypts where she slept. She cried the heartbreak of me leaving her at the end of each lifetime and the rage and despair she was weighed down by every waking moment.
I promised her, this time, I will not leave you. No matter what.
We went forward during the next few months, more or less together. Sometimes still at war, sometimes she threatening to drag me down into death with her, sometimes all I could do was sleep and cry. Trying to unlodge the shaft of darkdeath still buried deep within our heart...
There were days and days of deep depression - despair and heartbreak. Wordless, formless. For days and days it seemed I cried this black hopelessness, and then I started getting imagery while I cried. I saw a dark and blackened landscape, ravaged by war and fire, desolate and dark. Smoke rose from deep pits blackened by fire, reeking, all around me was littered with debris and dead things. I thought it was the landscape of my heart. I cried and cried to God, look at what you've done! How can this ever be healed? I can't go in there, I cried, I can't, it's too much. YOU did this, YOU fix it!!!
I felt them then, gathered behind me, my "helpers". A part of Heart, a piece of God, an aspect of the Father of Manifestation, all gathered behind me, ready to support and help. They were encouraging and supportive, but urging me, too. It seemed very important to them that I go in there... And I felt their sadness, too, and knew that if they could they would do it for me. I knew then, that I had to step into that landscape and cry the pain of it all, they couldn't do it for me.
I took a step in. And exploded in tears. Heartbreak. Searing pain. ALONE! I took another step. And cried again, another bucket of heartbreak and terror and pain.
I looked behind me to see the Three walking in my footsteps. They were following behind me as I cut a swath through the landscape, and as we went - slowly and painfully, stopping to cry with every step - they showered everything around us with snow. Cooling the fires. Soothing the wounds. I felt the burning abate. I knew the path through this place hadn't been opened for ages and ages. Had light ever been shed here? I also knew that if I tried to move any faster, if I didn't stop with every step and cry, the space would close up around me and I would be stuck there in that hellish landscape.
The next time I cried the imagery changed. I saw myself as a vast ship, plowing slowly through the debris like a ship breaking through a sea of solid ice. Slowly still, but as I went forward, I gathered up parts, bringing them aboard to safety. The horror and pain nearly overwhelmed me at times, but my heart sung me forward. We will not leave them there, the song ran... "we are the mothership and we will find them all and end this torment."
Then I heard her, from somewhere deep below the surface. It felt like she was huge, spanning the whole landscape. Like she was the root of it, the very foundation of the landscape. I went down and down and down and finally found her in a deep dark corner at the end of a darkened hallway deep in the dungeons of that place. She looked huge and monstrous, hideous and fat. At first I thought she wasn't human, she looked like a huge red beast, covered with boils and gashes and oozings and wounds. When I got closer I realized the redness was because she had no skin. And she oozed blood and pus and rank smelling green goo. Stripped of skin, even a small breath of air caused her enormous pain. My footsteps on the floor jarred and jostled her. Every movement was a knife-slice of pain.
"Everything hurts, leave me, don't look at me! Just let me go back to sleep..."
Huge self-loathing and self-hate -- not wanting to be seen, feeling hideous, fat and diseased and ugly, wanting to hide. It seemed we were in a cage, on display somehow, like a circus freak show, naked and vulnerable and nowhere to hide from all those staring laughing scornful eyes. Shame and loathing and self-hate.
"Please," she begs, "Let me go back to sleep, let me go away and hide..."
It feels to me as if when we are born, we draw her into life, against her will. Some of her essence is drawn up from earth's core to form our bodies, and for a time she lives mindlessly in sensation. At some point though, she remembers pain and need, and life from that moment becomes alternately desperation run by need, and behaviors leading toward death. I feel like she tries to sing me to sleep, draw me into hopelessness, make me feel like giving up. I feel like she has driven most of my addictions and self-destructive behaviors. She is literally trying to draw her essence back down into the earth.
The memory of the reach and the blast from her point of view is odd, and yet, if I plug it into the RUOW story it makes more sense. I never could really understand why God would say he blasted the mother because she disturbed his reverie. What kind of sense does that make? Why would that bring on such killing rage as we got blasted with? BUT, if what he felt was this part coming up behind, with her own killing rage and gaping need, rushing at him... well, I can see how it might terrify him, trigger him into imprints from the earliest days, and cause a knee jerk push-you-away kind of thing. Not that it's justified, but at least that makes more sense to me.
Well, as much as any of this makes sense. It's been hard to take her on. I cry parts of me that don't want to be... meat. Don't want to be slime and smell and goo. And some days I feel so heavy it's almost impossible to get vertical. And sometimes I feel really crazy. I go back and forth between being/feeling HER and her. Crazier than usual. Especially since so many of these things I cry have no real context. Until I've cried through enough of her to see the picture forming in the puzzle, it's just a jumble of pieces here and there.