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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation
WEIRD!! I woke up crying, from sad dreams that I can't remember. It's FoM, longing, and need. All of a sudden I felt like I was crying grief and need from a different point of view. I was no longer crying Ghash in the void. This felt like a part that had been inside FoM, that had been rejected by him. This part kept crying, "He threw me out, he threw me out. He pushed me away, he wants me not to be." This part feels small, and very helpless at first... at this moment of fragmentation. Or rather, this moment of becoming denied Will. He does feel very Will-ish.
He says "I am need. I am hate. He wants me not to be. I hate him for throwing me away, but I hate me too. I wish I could stop, be different, be whatever he wants me to be. But I can't. I can't! And I don't know what to do now!! I can't find acceptance for my own self, all by myself! I don't know how. How can I ever be enough?"
I feel a lot of confusion with this. My mind wants to try to make some sense of it, but ... how? Am I a part of FoM's Will? Or maybe I'm Motherbody, but Motherbody is really FoM's Will? I try to unhook my mind, but it's hard. Identity confusion is one of my worst fears.
I went down into my basement room, and E.M. beckoned me into a small space I hadn't seen before. I had to crouch to get in, and he closed the door behind us. I felt as if it was designed for maximum privacy and maximum safety.
I wasn't sure at first what we were doing there, but he waited and opened, and let me know he was ready to accept his parts back. I was scared to do that, and not sure how to do that. But I opened a little bit, and felt some of the aching need/longing go out of me and into him. He was accepting back the part he had thrown away, or at least some of it.
Then all of a sudden I felt him needing me. It took me a minute to realize what was happening. I gave him back the need that was his. And lo and behold, he needed me. And he wasn't rejecting his feelings of needing me, he was letting himself NEED me. And accepting my needing him in return. We sat there, facing each other, just letting the need and love flow back and forth between us.
It didn't last very long. And I'm not explaining it right. And I was so terrified during it that I was sort of watching through my fingers, with one eye closed and the other at half mast. But it felt like ... something miraculous. Another milestone. Too terrifying to really digest yet.
I'm crying from Motherbody's point of view again today. It feels like there was a time - very distant past - when some part of Spirit or FoM was there with us, trying to give us love. But I couldn't feel it, I couldn't take it in. I didn't know what to do. And neither of us understood why, or what he had done in the past to make me so frozen and distrustful.
I cried "I'm sorry. I don't know what to do." Feeling so helpless in the face of my own imprinting. And then this horrible doubt began to creep in. Maybe everything IS all my fault. Maybe all the things he believes about me are true. Maybe I AM a black widow spider, a luciferian manipulator. Maybe there's something very wrong with me.
God, such misery. Blackness threatens to overwhelm. I cry heartbreak, begging and pleading with him to help me, to stay with me until we can figure it out. Please don't leave me!!
But he grows impatient. He is frustrated and gets disgusted with us. He judges that we like our misery. He thinks we must enjoy this loveless reality. He thinks we will never be satisfied.
All the things R believes to be true of me.
R said "You've had all this time to heal..." as if he knows just how long it takes to heal and we've exceeded the limit.
But we never knew how to heal. We didn't know that crying would have made all the difference!! We couldn't take in his love or light without first moving out the frozen and hopeless and hating places. But he wouldn't allow the movement, and he wouldn't stay. He wouldn't wait and listen.
Parts of me fragmented then. "Please help me" she cries to him, "I don't know what to do. Everything I do is wrong. Why do you get so impatient with me? I don't know what to do!!!"
If you had waited, listened, accepted... if you had let us cry... we would have found the answer.
In my imaging this morning my E.M. asked me to be with him, to process together somehow. To begin to ... or rather to continue to ... sort out what's his and what's mine.. I don't know exactly what this means.
I got a flash today that something's not right in my interactions online. There's something wrong, something sharp. It's such a foggy area for me, I can't see it clearly. My needs fog me up for one thing, and my imprinting makes me blind for another. But this is something else. It occurred to me that maybe there's bad light in me, the darkdeath?, coming out and creating more gaps and problems in my interactions on the internet. Making sure that I piss people off, when I absolutely don't mean to.
Well, I triggered myself. I went back and reread R's posts to me. He accuses me of hatefulness in the extreme. He feels the poem I sent (The Channel My River Flows) was venomous hatred and he thinks I shouldn't be allowed to get away with it. He thinks I'm dangerous... and so many other things. I cry back and forth the pain of his accusations, and the self-hate that says I am all the things he says and should be dead. More layers of Motherbody imprinting. This feels so frikken endless.
Here's the thing... I'm still obsessing on R. I can't let go, even though I know it's hopeless. Some of it is Motherbody stuff, and my own need. But a lot of it is this lost Will/denied Will that belongs to FoM. This little boy is heartbroken. And enraged. He sees R as the part that booted him out, and he wants R's love and approval so bad!! I try to redirect him to my E.M., but he can't seem to look anywhere else but to R. And that really sucks! Talk about beating your head bloody.
He remembers being shoved out.
It felt like abandonment, like daddy shoving me out the door. He grabs me by the scruff of my neck and drags me to the door. I kick and scream and grab onto things, trying to stay in, hold onto the door frame, but it does no good. He throws me out into the cold and dark and slams the door. I sit on the steps... stark terror fights with horrified heartbreak. How could he DO that to me?
He's so cold! I hate him!!! Such heartbreak. I feel so small. I've never been on my own, I don't know what to do out here, how to survive, where to go? Even my crying is like a small child, bereft, scared, abandoned. I sit on the doorstep and wail, pound on the door, hoping he'll hear me and change his mind. Long time goes by and he never comes. There is only the cold hard door, and the cold hard darkness. I face the dark then, and I'm so cold and terrified. I feel myself shattering, becoming smaller and smaller. I don't know what to do. I cry and cry and plead and beg. I'm sorry! I'll do anything, please, ANYTHING!! He won't hear me! I hate him. I HATE HIM!!! He doesn't care at all, he doesn't care what happens to me!
This part came to mingle with my motherbody parts. Perhaps he was most at home in body-ish essence. And yet, he also hates Mother, hates Will. That is part of what got him evicted... his hate, the hate for Mother that FoM didn't want to own. But he is also need and pain and softness and self-pity. He came and found refuge in the cave with Motherbody parts, and he was grateful for the comfort he got there... but at the same time, he hates his refuge, hates his only source of comfort. He hates everything and everybody.
Oh, they're all so tired of hearing the victim's bleating.
Spirit, FoM, does it occur to you that the victim you hate in me ... is you? Where is your soft needy underbelly? Where is your self-pity? How long ago did you cast it away from you and where do you think it went? Look in my pockets and let me show you a thing or three about yourself. I have something that belongs to you.
Part Six - Healing the DarkDeath