Identity Rage
The rage I feel under my surface is so boiling and scorching ... it feels if I let it out I can't breathe, the top of my head will blow off, my eyes will bulge out of my head, my eardrums will burst.I'm afraid of this rage, I so afraid of it. I'm afraid it will kill me, explode me, kill you... So I push it down and down and down to the bottom of my belly where it grows heavy with all the other shit compressed and hidden there. And I let it drag me down, an anvil tied to my ankles, dragging me down to the ocean floor, where at least I can forget you, forget this rejection that feels like a hundred thousand rejections, forget that you exist, and maybe, finally, forget that I exist.
I am enraged at what feels like superiority and condescension.
I am enraged at "you are all and I am all and we are all together" and "when you stop seeing God as separate from yourself then your blaming rage pain will come to an end...not when he stops perpetrating."
I am enraged at "It feels wrong to say I'm only one part, there is danger in polarizing to only one part."
I am enraged at my sisters who say "I am not a mother fragment."And who really gives a fuck. Who cares what my point of view is, or how I feel? I am so wrong in the eyes of the world, everywhere I go, everything I try to do, I hit this wall of wrongness AGAIN! When will I quit trying? When will I stop beating my head bloody against these walls of yours. Why do I want to be among you so badly that I will slit my own belly in your midst, hoping if I show you my entrails you will feel something for me. Pity is better than nothing.
I am in a human body. I know as a human being I have a spirit and a will and a heart and a body, but my identity, my parts, the parts I feel and know and remember and AM, are the Mother. I can't help how I feel. I only know when you say I am wrong to identify as a mother fragment, I want to rake my nails down your face, rip your hair out by the roots, shake you till your teeth rattle, rip you tear you make you bleed!!!
This rage terrifies me.
I feel as if you minimize my experience, my pain, who I am. You make me feel stupid, less than, without identity. I am afraid to even talk to you about this, I can already hear you turning it back around on me to make me wrong somehow. Again. I don't care how true it might be in some distant future when the "All is all is all" is back together again. Right now is where I am, and right now I am enraged. And I am terrified of how murderous this rage is.
How can you diminish me so? How can you dilute me in this way? How can you try to define me as a part of everybody, when I have NEVER YET BEEN WHOLLY MYSELF? I have never yet been whole and completely myself, I am still recovering from fragmentation so severe, sometimes I fear I'll never be wholly myself again.
And do you see what else you're doing? You've made it a crime for mother fragments to feel who they are. I know we need to heal the patterns of mom-guru-ing, and better-than and power-over and all that. I KNOW! But you've made it impossible for fragments of the mother to come together and feel ok about being who they are AT ALL. Once again, it's WRONG to BE the Mother.
Of course, you will say if they're identifying as all four parts then they ARE being who they are.
But ... but, but, some triggers never come until you opened the door to who you are. This rage didn't surface until I opened the door to BEing the Mother.
And don't tell me opening the door, holding onto identity, is causing the rage. You always have to turn this around on me, don't you? You've made it wrong for anyone to feel/BE the Mother. But what if I DO feel that way? Huh? Can I help how I feel? You want me to choose to feel some other way? Again, you're telling me I should choose to change my feelings, instead of accepting the feelings I have? This rage has been boiling underground for a long long long time, threatening to erupt in volcanoes and earthquakes and tornados. Rage at being forgotten, ignored, cast out, made unimportant... SHE WANTS HER RIGHT PLACE!!!!! GRRRRRRRR.
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! You smug ... you ... I hate you for keeping us apart. And you sisters, I see you, I feel you there... I hate you for holding yourselves back from me. I hate you all for believing I'm wrong. I hate you for your smug, superior, better-than, know-it-all New-Age fucking stance that makes me feel so WRONG!!!!!
I have cried and raged about this for so long, lashing myself with self-hate for trying to hold onto a position that must not be mine. Who do I think I am? Obviously I'm wrong to want to hold onto identity, I must be a bad, wrong, horrible person. I kept hoping someone else would speak up, stand for the Mother fragments. I am so afraid to say these things. And I'm only these small parts...
I've cried these parts that desire glory and power, I've cried their pain and longing and emptiness... and do you know what's at the bottom of their pain? Need. Emptiness. Hunger for loving light. STARVATION. Longing for the Mother's RIGHT PLACE. Where is that? What is that? We don't even know yet! We've never been there!! I try to imagine it, a feeling of not being hungry, of being full of God's loving light, where He loves us and honors us and knows how important we are.
I am only a handful of fragments, we have only ever known pain and bits of stories, but we're putting ourselves back together again, and if once, just once, we could experience both being whole and in our right place, with honor and respect for who we are ... then I would say yes, alright, now we can move forward.
You are putting the cart before the horse!
****** There is essence of my "family", Mother essence, that is so small and frightened and unsure of her right place. I see her hiding within other people, I feel her cringing and turning from me. Have I frightened her in the past? Or is she just afraid to be identified with me? I have always been hated and tortured and killed and shunned. How can I blame her for not wanting to be identified with me? And yet, how can I ever become whole and healed without this essence? I cry and cry and call to her. My heart breaks and the tears are endless. I watch her suffering with the pull I give... some part of her is drawn to me, but then she turns abruptly and buries her face inside. Does she believe she belongs there? The person believes she belongs there. They say, "she is my Will", or "she is the Mother within me".
I am so enraged by this! Enraged and heartbroken, I weep and weep and weep and I cannot reach her.
And then I am made to feel wrong for wanting to reach her, for wanting to pull her out of there, back home to our family of essence. So, I am wrong to feel she is my sister, not mine to own, but mine to BE with. As equals. I love her, I love them, I want to feel whole again. I am wrong, then. I am wrong to want wholeness for myself. I am wrong to feel the ache of limbs severed and heart torn and want to bring these parts back to myself and heal them.
Self-hate gets stirred -- who the fuck do I think I am, saying I'm a Mother fragment? If I was as wonderful as you all, if I could see the big picture, I would know that I'm not any one thing. I must be holding onto the picture of myself as "this or that" for a reason. I must have an investment in being the Mother, and having that position, and that's wrong. Having an investment in ANY identity must be wrong. OOOooooo then there IS no right place, it should all be one big whole, one big happy wholeness, and no differentiation, no positions, no parts, no right places for the parts.
****** I am so tired, I can't fight this tide, I can't fight anymore. I fear you are all ready to move on and become "ONE". I am left behind again. The laggard of the universe. Heavy, unable to rise to the great wisdom, whatever it is. And you won't listen to me, what I have to say is not important, silly, misguided, unhealed, wrong...
I'm so tired. God, I'm so tired. I can't do this anymore. I give up. I go back to the earth, let me go, let me grow heavy and unconscious. Let me forget this rage, and this fight for identity that I can never ever win. Let me forget the hunger grinding in my broken heart and empty belly... Your wisdom, your world, your universe will go on without me I know, and you won't miss me or even know that I am gone. Can I do it? Can I pull the aboveground sister down from her angry screeching addiction to the world? Can I wrap us in a thick blanket of dark and grow us heavier and heavier and heavier... God I'm so tired.