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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation

Ghash Memories - Loss of Consciousness
Oct. 2000

Who am I?

I feel myself waking from a slippery foggy dream. I realize as the fog fades that ... there's something I can't remember. I strain my mind to remember, but my thoughts are slippery too. I can't seem to grasp hold of any one thought. I can't ... remember. What happened? Why can't I remember? Why can't I think? Who am I?


I fall into the foggy dream again.

The next time I awaken I think I remember shreds of the dream. Or is this a memory come back to me? I can't figure it out, the pictures have no root in my soil. They float in and out, dim and then sharp, foggy and then clear.

I see myself as having been bigger, I looked out from eyes that were fuller, once. I had great thoughts then. I can't remember what they were now, but I remember that I had them. There was WISDOM that flowed from my lips, and men came to me to hear my words. I could hold many thoughts at once, I could reason, I could discern, I... I... have FORGOTTEN! It slips away from me again, the memory/dream. I can't remember it anymore.

I am dreaming asleep almost all the time now. Waking is painful, sharp and foggy at the same time. I try not to wake. I sleep. I breathe shallow in the musty dusty air. I send my consciousness, what is left of it, deep within the earth, deep underground. I let myself sink down and grow heavier and heavier and heavier.

I dream ... I remember ... I forget ...

I am in a deep, wide cavern. At one time the cavern would have been lit by oil lamps and wax candles. The sloping walls would have flickered with the shadows of the priests and priestesses gathered there. But now the cavern is dark and empty and cold. We have been forgotten, I think. We are no longer important. I am enraged about something, but my rage feels so helpless and hopeless, I send it down into the fires feeding the earth's core. I am hopeless, despairing, heartbroken. Yes, that's the pain in my chest, beneath my ribs... my heart is broken. I can't remember why. I have bile rising in my throat, some loss, some memory I don't want to know. I close my eyes and try to grow heavy and sink down and not remember this. I hear noises and shufflings and murmurings, and ...

I remember something leaving!

I remember you leaving, where are you going, what are you doing? Don't leave me here alone? Don't you see how it is? Don't you see? They don't want us. They don't need us. It's just like it has always been for eons and eons. I remember the aloneness in the dark when we were just garbage.

It was different, yes, for a time here it was different. They saw us and knew us and honored us. But now we are garbage again. We will be forgotten and empty and alone again.

Wait! Don't go! You are so angry! What will you do? Fight them? Kill them? Then who will honor you? Will you strive with them, to make them remember? I wish I could hope with you, I wish I could feel it's worth the effort. But it's not, they will never love, HE will never come, it's useless, hopeless. And I'm so tired. I'm so tired of fighting, I'm so tired of hurting and longing and aching. Can't you feel it? The heartbreak, the hopelessness? The only answer is sleep. And at least this time we're not falling in space. Here, feel the earth, feel the rock emcompass us, we can sleep here and rest.

No, please don't go, please don't leave me. PLEASE!! I'll try to wake up, I'll try to not be hopeless and heavy and useless and stupid. Please! I feel so stupid when you go. I can't think, I can't know anything, I can't hold a thought, I can't remember anything! I feel so stupid, and I'm so afraid! WHO AM I????!!!

I look up the path leading out of the cavern and I see the opening at the top. You are standing in the light there, looking back at me, shaking your head and scowling. Then you turn and go, and for a brief moment my terror is so intense I actually rise up as if to follow you. But the heaviness weighs me down again and I sink back to the earth. Sink back. Dissolve into the sand and dirt and stone. Let my essence ooze down into the cracks and pores of the stone.

Later I hear them... I sleep and I dream and I feel the stirrings above me. They come to the caves sometimes, different caves, I am beneath them and they feel me here... they come and fill the caves with smoke and sweet smells to keep me dreaming... to speak to me and ask me questions and listen to me. I think I respond to them in their trances and questings... I am tied to these priestesses and oracles, and they come to the caves to commune with me.

I am confused by this. They are fragmented pieces of our consciousness, but they must still need something I have to offer. What do they want? Why do they bother me? I don't care about living! They chose to leave, why don't they stay away??? Sometimes I wake up enough to be enraged by this. But it's all so useless and hopeless, and I'm so tired. I force myself to sink down further and further and further into the earth, so they can no longer hear even my sleeping voice.

I don't know who I am.
I don't know who I am, I don't know and I don't care.

After a while, I forget that I used to know anything. I forget all these things I lived, I forget being alone, I forget even that I am alive.

But as I am drifting off to sleep, as I feel the silence and stillness envelope me, I realize more parts of me have left. Parts that wanted to fight, wanted to live. These parts had been shouting at me to fight, to stand up and kill them all, MAKE them see us... They didn't want to sink down with me, they couldn't be still and give up, and they hate me for wanting to. I look around and I see these parts, displaced Goddesses, living on the earth, madness lurking behind their eyes. They refuse to be forgotten, they are driven by our hunger and terror... and the spiders provoke them and push on their need. I long to pull them back, I long to lull them to sleep with me. I foresee only pain and death and destruction, and I only want to have an end to it. I know we can't die, I know God is cruel and sadistic, otherwise he would have killed us long ago. I only want to draw us all down into the deep sleep, the dark sleep, the stillness of the stone.

This is all I wanted... Until now. Until these tears that bring me healing. Until rejoining with these parts that have our heart healed and healing... that have our consciousness, unjudging and accepting and open to me again... these parts that want to draw me up from my coma into a body on this earth, if I can, as much as I can. Blessed tears, blessed living. I fought it at first. I didn't want to live. I hated this urge to live, I hated this call to life I kept hearing, but she wouldn't stop calling, and she wouldn't leave me. She kept promising she wouldn't leave me this time. Ever again.

I believe.
I begin to remember.
I begin to heal.
Maybe I will live.

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