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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation
I had a horrible experience this morning.
I went in to my meditation, with Wee Willy in my arms. I was holding her over/in my heart, facing outward, like you'd hold a baby sometimes. My Engineer Man greeted us at the door as usual, but then he bent his head to give Willy a kiss on the forehead.
I swear to god as he bent his head I saw a look of lasciviousness cross his face. As his lips touched her forehead, I felt as if he wanted to lick her or nibble on her.
I was nauseated, disgusted, instantly enraged. I thought I was going to throw up. I pulled back from him, and got angry and told him he better knock it off. What was even worse was the rage I felt at Wee Willy! Ah, god, poor mite. It was instantaneous though, and totally out of my control. For an instance there in my mental basement room I could have killed them both.
Well, needless to say, the meditation was over. I didn't realize what a huge trigger that was until later in the day. Man, I was doing all kinds of acting out, talking real loud, feeling really feisty, and then I sank down into this really deep heavy despair.
I finally had a cry, and jesusfuckingHchrist it was wrenching. Dying-world-falling-apart kind of wrenching. I cried such huge rage at him. I had trusted him. And he promised me no sexual stuff would cloud our healing process together. He promised! Then to have that happen, and not to have it directed at ME even, but at my new lovely pink heart part. My rage was so huge!
And there was a sense of loss. I don't want it to be, I don't want to lose that relationship. I have come to love and trust him. Can it be that I just imagined it?
I can't seem to stop crying. Now I'm crying from the Wee Willy/child/motherheart part, seeing that lasciviousness coming at me, not knowing what it means, but feeling mother behind me getting tense ... and then the rage building. I don't know what it means but it feels BAD all the way around. I'm so hungry, please don't take the light away, just take that other thing away, that thing in your eyes, please, don't make mommy hate me!
Memories of my own sexual abuse.
I was always being told what a "pretty" child I was, how cute, and what a pretty mouth I had! Grampa calling me his pretty rosebud. I came to hate hearing those words, I hated seeing that look in their eyes, those men who chucked me on the chin and grinned their nasty grins. I wanted to be ugly, I wanted to be invisible.
Several days of this... it's a huge trigger, a huge event, way bigger than I knew. How could so much pain be packed so tightly into what must have been a relatively short encounter??? Was it really that brief? Or am I remembering something that happened later? Was it really Ghash in the void or am I remembering when the rest of the mother lost her heart? Or is it maybe the same? The beginning of Indigo was the first time I recognized my own memories in the books, really saw me there. Mother in the void could be much of Ghash's memories too.
More rage coming up. It seems like rage is my whole existence. It's like... after this encounter, nothing was the same. There was hope, exploding love and hope of rescue, and then ... disaster.
The yang part of Ghash stood by and watched and raged. She took an angry belligerent stance. "So, you want HER but not the rest of us? You want the young fresh meat, but not the tough old broad? Well, fuck you! We don't care, we don't want you anyway, dirty old man."
The biggest part of Ghash fell into self-hate. As I cried her shame and heartbreak, I felt her aching, I felt her arms loosening her hold on her heart parts. I felt her let go of Wee Willy. I felt her take a step backward, planning to just melt away into oblivion and let him have the part he loved. The shame and self-hate was enormous.
And then I was crying from Wee Willy's point of view.
I felt her arms loosening. I felt her moving back from me. I was no longer nestled warm and safe in her bosom, I was hanging sort of motionless in space just in front of her. Not far. She didn't push me away, she just ... moved back. I felt her shame, I felt her self-hate. I felt my own terror!
God, the tangled mass of grief and blame and heartbreak...
This time it will be different.
This time I won't let go of my heart. I won't collapse in self-hate and give up the most precious child of my heart.
And this time, my heart, we won't have to die together there in the gutter. We won't have to die at all.
We can cry together now and oh how good it feels to hold you in my arms. How good you feel there in my breast, warm and full and sweet. And I hear you cry...
Momma, momma, momma, hold me, hold me, don't let me go ever again, don't let me go.
I won't my love. I love you.
More MotherHeart Stuff:
Split in Three
A Piece Returns
This Death I Carry