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Terror has to try to identify the source of the pain, so we have some control over it, some way to prevent the pain from happening again. In an ideal circumstance, terror would tell consciousness what it fears, it would express as raw emotion until it was able to become words and either identify the true source of it's fear, or the feeling of fear would dissipate.

However, what happened, what continues to happen, is that terror gets stifled, is not allowed to express, is condemned and scorned and judged as stupid, silly, weak. Terror goes into hiding, but it does not go away.

Terror sits in the dark, trembling, shivering, afraid but not knowing how or why or how to make it stop. Terror increases when it can't find the source of pain, can't find an identifiable enemy. Terror fears having no control, no way to stop the pain from happening again. Denied terror fragments, freezes and spins.

Primordial terror breeds paranoia. This terror bleeds itself into madness, left alone in the dark without any consciousness.

When it can find no enemy, it creates enemies. It sees enemies everywhere. They can be fooled and are easily influenced. Asuras, denial spirits, Lucifer, Ahriman ... even other Spirits ... all can insert false consciousness into these parts. False consciousness manipulates terror by building false structures and reasonings and beliefs and enemies in order to explain the terror and fool terror into feeling it has understanding and control.

These fragmented parts have been harvested, used, abused, misused, and made confused. They are vulnerable to all and any, because they have no way to know for certain what is true or false, what is real or unreal. They have accepted the influence of a false consciousness. False consciousness that maybe even shows us pictures of real enemies, but keeps me running from my terror instead of expressing it and healing it. Maybe even shows me truth mixed with lies, to keep me confused and ever-off-balance.

The false mind tries to keep me spinning in the terror. It lies to me, it shows me the enemy, it sets up criteria whereby I might be safe, and then leads me to the building of the "safe" structures. Mental, physical, emotional structures, to wall myself in.

But it's all a lie. The problem and the pain is real, but the solutions of the false mind are a lie.

I have been driven by the terror of the formless terror, the terror that is fear of NOT KNOWING, NOT UNDERSTANDING, to understand, to try to define, to seek the source of my terror. I followed the false mind and it's false promises, believing it would lead me to courage and sanity.

It was a lie. It kept me clenched around my terror. I believe now it's purpose has been to keep me from expressing this terror, keep me spinning in an eternal search for understanding, meaning, a sense of control, but always keeping the truth just out of my reach.

The only solution is to cry the terror, the real, frozen, long-buried, primordial terror.

As I cry these parts that have been lost in primordial terror, they are allowing me to FEEL the difference between where my consciousness and perceptions and love to know are real and true, and where I am being misled by a false consciousness, a false need to know, or a lie that simply sends me spinning into paranoia.

When structures of knowing have only served to stop me from being able to bring these parts in and cry them, or when they act out on others to make me better-than and others less-than, that's how I can know they're false. Or maybe they're not false, but since they're working AGAINST my getting in touch with and moving the terror, it's not helpful for me to hang onto them. The difference lies in the feeling of it, and only when I'm done crying all the terror will I feel like I really know anything.

My job today is to stop trying to know anything. To bring these parts in from the cold dark, cry their terror. The consciousness that I have will serve to shelter us from the cold while we cry and heal. I will let my feelings tell me what is true. My consciousness can grow with my feelings as our guide.

Is this the way it was meant to be?