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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation

Ghash / Motherbody Memories
Aboveground Sister -- Sisters Talking
Sept. 2000

BelowGround is the realm of Ghash, the place of death, deep sleep, giving up, depression, self-hate. She is vast, with many parts that come and go. She has attempted to live aboveground in the bulk of her - as a whole being - twice that I've remembered/cried so far. Both times ended in disaster and drove her back underground. Mostly now she sleeps underground, only coming to consciousness briefly when some of her essence is drawn upward to try to live, or when it returns, or when some great horror occurs to one of her/us and the places where her heart is most torn and burned get stirred. At those times she is most dangerous and volatile.

The AboveGround Sister is essence that holds so much rage and terror that she cannot be still. And she doesn't want to die, or go into a coma. She hates Ghash for giving up. The first memories I have of her she left with quite a lot of power and essence. She lived sometimes manifesting that power, in royal families, or gaining power through "witchy" ways. Sometimes sexual power was all she could manifest.

So many of these lives ended in disaster and death to those she loved that it has been as if she's been pounded down into the ground over and over again. Horror, guilt, self-hate, and broken-heartedness drive her down to join her sister underground for a time. There she wallows in self-pity and heartbreak for a time, until she can't stand the compression anymore and she rises back up to try again. Each time she rises up with less and less heart. Each time she is more and more fragmented. She has become largely rage running from terror.

Aboveground Sister:
Let me go, let go of me. Stop holding me back.
Let me rage, let me fire, let me teach them a lesson they'll never forget.
Never again will they forget me, they will remember,
     they will remember the pain I inflicted.

Let go of me, let me breath fire down on them.
Let me blast and burn and shake the earth.
Let me storm past my grief,
  See her there shaking and crying and begging,
     "please remember, please remember"
Let me leave her behind, quivering shivering nothingness

We will not beg for favors any more!
I will make them remember. I will MAKE them listen.

Belowground Sister:
We've tried this countless times.
     foolish foolish
Remember? Remember the blood?
  Remember the ones we loved?
     We couldn't help it, we tried not to love them.
Remember how they died?
  Blood on our hands.
   Disaster and death and disease.
Stop. Be silent.
We must go, we must hide, we must be nothing
  deep in the earth where we are safe and can harm no one...

Aboveground Sister:
I want to talk
     talk talk talk talk
I want to tell, and talk and words
     words words words
I want you to listen and look at me.
Listen with respect and awe and trust.
   See me feel me know me.
     Value me.
I can't stop, I won't stop
I can't be silent.
I can't be still.
It's not enough to just BE.
I want you to see me and hear me,
LOOK at me.
See me wise and needed and useful.

I want to move and dance and sex.
I want you to want me, love me,
     feed me with your desire.

I can't stop, I have to find you
  wherever you are
who will look at me and see me and
   know me wise and wonderful
If I stop, if I even pause,
if I let go for one minute,
I slow down...
I sink. I heavy
     sink down and down and down.
To the empty dark place where we
     never ever move.
Silence is roaring there.
She never moves.
She grieves.
We lie still and frozen
     hopeless and black despair.
She lulls me there, she sings me down.
We sleep.

Belowground Sister:
I sing you down
     you rebellious
     you angry
     you raging heartless child.
I sing you down to where the truth cannot be ignored.
We are forgotten.
We are unnecessary.
We are not wanted.
We are not valued.
They hate us.
They want us dead.
This is true.

We are the garbage of creation...
the refuse, the litter, the excrement.
That which is leftover and unneeded
... unheeded... unremembered...

We grieve.
Darkness spreads through the cracks of our broken heart.
We must sleep and rest and fight no more...
Sleep, feel it heavy, drawing you down
let go
give up
be still
This is the only comfort we will ever know
sleep sleep sleep

Aboveground Sister:
We hunger!
  we empty we need we want
      we want we want we want we want we want

we eat our own bones in the dark while you sleep old woman.

   I am hungry. I want to speak and talk and words and words.
     I will fight and make room for me
     I will kill and destroy and rule.


Next... More Sisters Talking

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