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Personal Sharings / Healing Fragmentation
I was taken to live in the big White Palace before I even knew who I was.
I was raised by someone who said he was my father, but he never acted as a nurturing parent to me.
I was confused about who I was from the very beginning of my life. I never could fit in in the White Palace, though I tried and tried. There was always something different about me, and because of my beginnings, I believed I harbored a dirty secret... a sameness with She-We-Do-Not-Name. For a long time I didn't even remember her. I have only recently found my earliest memories of her, and discovered my love and heartbreak over losing her. I DID love her. And I do love her now, and we are healing together at long last.
But during those long years in the White Palace, all I knew was that I was supposed to fit into dresses that were too big, shoes that kept falling off my feet. Somehow I was supposed to be the Mother there, but not any kind of mother that I could feel from inside me, only a mother that THEY defined. I was not supposed to show any likeness or similarity to She-We-Do-Not-Name - except that I didn't even know what that meant! I was too young to remember, too frightened and the winds that tossed me around just made me more and more confused as to what to be, how to be, how to survive there.
All I knew was that my feelings were all wrong. Feeling at all seemed to be wrong. And I didn't know how to stop hurting and yearning!! And my need, my hunger for love, it was so great! I tried to hide it, because it soon became apparent that my real need was not acceptable. Only phony need and phony desire, "desire for show" to pacify him into thinking he was a powerful lover... and that lesson I learned on the way to the White Palace. I learned what my value was.
I stood on the steps where he deposited me, looking down at my torn party dress, now stained with blood and cum, and listened to the hooves of his horse as he rode away laughing. The doors flew open and I was swept in, into a whirlwind, into a cold forbidding place filled with people who smiled and smiled and smiled. I couldn't see their eyes, and I was so afraid! They whisked away my stained dress and washed my tear stained face and the whispers began. My training began. Learn to pretend.
I was left in a vast, cold day-care filled with other children, and cruel strangers, cold-eyed and strange. One or two seemed to be like me, and I tried to get near them. Once I found a sister there and we got close enough to each other to feel the warmth and sameness, but then we were separated and punished. I never understood why. Occasionally I would find sisters that seemed to be like me but as I got close to them, I could see that they had become hard and cold like all the others. They had armored themselves and only the tiniest sparkle of a tear could be found hiding behind their eyes.
I felt so alone in those first days. So afraid.
The whispers have been with me ever since that day. Telling me how to be, who to be, how to act, letting me know what was not ok, but never ever accepting who I really was.
And I TRIED to deny who I really was. I hid my dirty little secret as best I could. My survival depended on it. I did the best I could. I was brainwashed and imprinted and TOLD what to be and who the enemy really was: She-We-Do-Not-Name. The things I did ... believing she was my enemy... the things I did. I can barely touch the memories there, it's so horrible.
But what I know now is that I couldn't be parental to my own pain there, I couldn't be parental to the situation. How could I? I was a child! I have to find forgiveness for myself for the things I did when I was no longer a child, but forgiveness is now pouring down on me from She who has found me, who loves me, who forgives me.
I am SO angry at God for expecting me to somehow be bigger or stronger than the brainwashing I received. I am furious at the unfairness of expecting me to know, to understand, to see what was real and true. I was a child!!!!! I believed what you told me! I heard all your whispers and saw the lie behind your phony smiles and it all confused me and frightened me. I'm furious with the constant threat of banishment and rejection that you had hanging over my head, my whole life there in the White Palace was filled with undercurrent fear. I was NEVER unafraid. I was NEVER sure of your love and approval. And I hate you for that!!!!!
I tried to be what you wanted me to be, that's all I ever did. And you hated me for that too. You scorned my need for your love, you said I was weak. You said I wasn't being "real" when I only showed you my painted smile or performed the tricks I had learned in hopes of getting your love. You hated my ass-kissing, but what choice did you ever give me???
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